tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12008022748848122552024-03-13T23:03:37.896-05:00Married to a FeministEgalitarian Marriage (How We Make it Work)EKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11248323151082635967noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-79448091411484760072009-02-16T08:38:00.001-06:002009-02-16T08:40:12.604-06:00How to Start A New BlogSince we're married now, feminist <span style="font-style:italic;">fiancee</span> doesn't really work for us any more. And we were running out of clever titles that begin in "How to..."<br /><br />So come visit us at The Hyphen House<br />http://thehyphenhouse.blogspot.com/LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-15729578060339899442008-10-16T10:44:00.003-05:002008-10-16T11:12:36.319-05:00How to Navigate Patriarchal BureaucracySo I haven't blogged in a really long time, but I thought I might update everyone on the name change in progress. We scored a major victory yesterday at the Social Security office. We managed to get my last name changed to our new hyphenated last name without having to show a court name change document or having to bribe any officials. While free married name changes are legal for both men and women in Texas, no one seems to be aware of this recent change in the law, so getting people to actually allow me to change my name has been a challenge. Here are a few of the highlights.<br /><br />1.) People think I am crazy. They just cannot comprehend why I would want to hyphenate my last name. They (and by they I mean complete strangers, my students, and even close family members) assume that my wife is making me change my name. My only response to this line of thinking is, "What?!?!" See, when people make this assumption, what they are basically saying is that my marriage is not about equality, rather it is about me being enslaved to my wife. That is utterly ridiculous. If that were the case, wouldn't I just take her last name and drop mine completely? No one believes me when I tell them that I was the first one to suggest we both hyphenate our names. Either that or they think that my wife somehow used mind control to get me to bring it up.<br /><br />2.) Most attempts at name changes have been easy. People at my job have made the change with no questions (some are even very supportive). The bank just needed a copy of the marriage certificate. The Green Mountain energy representative was utterly confused though. I must admit that I was quite surprised by that reaction. I assumed the people working for Green Mountain energy were a little more progressive than average (okay, I assumed many of them were hippies). I figured they would at least aware let alone hypothetically comfortable with the idea of a man hyphenating his name.<br /><br />3.) The DPS was utterly uncooperative. The woman working there looked at me like I was insane for asking to change my name. She refused to cooperate. The highlight of that trip was when my wife told her, "That's discrimination." It is true. It is discriminatory to refuse a man the same right to change his name as his wife has. There is just something ironic about the fact that in this case, it was an African-American woman passing on this discrimination to a Caucasian middle class man. I should make the disclaimer that I do not blame her. She was rude, but she was just participating in bureaucracy, not designing it. I really just wanted to tell her, "The bureaucracy you are participating in right now is only reinforcing patriarchy by denying me the opportunity to change my name. As a woman, patriarchy probably hurts you more than it does me, but you are in the unique position of being able to do something about it, so join the revolution!" Alas, I did not say any of these things. Score one for patriarchy.<br /><br />4.) Yesterday, however, my wife and I pulled out our hammers, on our mission to smash patriarchy. The official at the Social Security office at first did not want to grant our request. Her exact words to me were, "Sir, you don't have to change your name when you get married." I won't rant about how loaded that statement is because after some convincing, she decided to check on whether she could change it or not. That was all we really wanted because we knew if we could just get her to look it up that the law would be on our side. It was, my name is now officially hyphenated. Now I just have to get the other bureaucratic institutions to recognize my legally sanctioned rights - easy right?EKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11248323151082635967noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-29799838136309422782008-09-22T14:15:00.003-05:002008-09-22T14:45:11.909-05:00How to Weather the StormSigh. It has been a long week and a half for all Houstonians and others who suffered the wrath of Hurricane Ike. Really, really long...<br /><br />It started for us with an evacuation to my parents house an hour north of the city. We packed for a few days, thinking we'd be home soon. Four of our friends came and we had a "hurricane party" that began with a movie marathon until we lost power, and then lots of board games and long walks. <br /><br />By Sunday we realized it was going to be a while. My parents were fortunate to have their power restored, and most of their water, that afternoon. But we couldn't go back to our house, so we stayed put. <br /><br />Tuesday we went back to our house and felt very emotional about it all. Some of our favorite places were severely damaged. The early curfew that took everyone off the streets at 6 pm made everything a little eerie. The long gas lines and grocery stores run off generators made for a lot of stress. So many trees were uprooted.<br /><br />And of course there are so many good people, handing out water and ice and MREs and helping rebuild. I've never seen so many people at one time working in their yards.<br /><br />Our house sustained minimal damage... Three outer windows were lifted off by the winds and shattered to the ground (thank God for double-paned windows), a leak in our kitchen ceiling, and some tree damage. Our back yard looks like a jungle now. <br /><br />I headed to Ohio for a history conference on Wednesday and my husband went to his parents (where they had power). Ohio also suffered a lot of damage as a result of Ike. It's like it wouldn't end. Of course every time someone learned I was from Houston, they inquired about the state of things. I talked about Ike as much as I talked about my dissertation. I went to Ohio hoping when I returned Sunday things would be back to normal. But as the days wore on, I realized things would not be back to normal for a very, very long time. I got more and more emotional about it.<br /><br />So now I'm home, sitting in my house which now has all the modern conveniences again, and things are far from normal. My husband is back at school but feeling disoriented, and I'm trying to work on my dissertation but distracted by the damage and trying to catch up on all the things we couldn't do the last 10 days. There is, in the city, a collective sense of struggle. We're all trying to be normal but literally taking it one day at a time. People who have nothing have even less now. <br /><br />And now it's time to rebuild. Oh for the strength to help...LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-57944822644301016912008-09-10T23:05:00.003-05:002008-09-10T23:15:30.529-05:00How to Change Your NameWe had a monumentally terrible experience at the DMV trying to change our driver's license, but my husband wants to rant about that. So here is a phone conversation I had today with a representative at Green Mountain Energy (an otherwise fabulous company that provides our pollution-free home energy):<br /><br />ME: Hi, I'd like to change the last name on our account to our new married name.<br /><br />GM: You want to change your last name?<br /><br />ME: Yes, and my husband's.<br /><br />GM: I can change your name.<br /><br />ME: OK, but we need to change his name too.<br /><br />GM: Um, let me put you on hold.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">pause</span><br /><br />GM: Let me ask you a question. Why would we change his name? You didn't take his last name when you got married?<br /><br />ME: No (<span style="font-style:italic;">trying to stay calm</span>), we both changed our names, so his name is different. He changed his name too.<br /><br />GM: To what?<br /><br />ME: (<span style="font-style:italic;">sigh</span>) We both hyphenated. <br /><br />GM: Oh. Well I don't think we can change his name. We can change your name. We can only change the names to a legally married name. <br /><br />ME: Right. That's his legally married name.<br /><br />GM: Maybe if you faxed your marriage license? I can't just add a name to his name.<br /><br />ME: But it's his name...<br /><br />GM: Maybe I can talk to my supervisor, do you want to hold?<br /><br /><br />Argggh. It's just a hyphen, people. Chill!LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-88418160502258642008-08-20T09:28:00.001-05:002008-08-20T09:28:37.083-05:00His VowsI am writing these vows at the end of a really long and stressful week, after we have completed list after list of wedding tasks only to find more lists. What helps me most to get through all this craziness is to imagine myself saying these words to you on the best day of our lives, when all the anxiety takes a back seat to your radiant smile and your gleaming eyes. This is the moment that sometimes seemed like it would never come.<br /> <br /><br />I promise to love you forever. I can't promise that it will always be easy or pretty, but I promise that it will be true. I promise to always try to be the husband you deserve, even when we are tired, stressed, angry, or just confused. I promise to hold you when you feel alone, fatigued, and overwhelmed. I promise to provide for you, that is to provide silence when you are still waking up, provide corny jokes when you really don't need them, and provide poorly executed massages when you ask for them. I promise to cherish your laughter and tears even when they come all at once. I promise to respect you even if I think you are wrong, unfair, or just plain crazy. I promise to respect you as my equal in Christ. I promise to trust you in all circumstances, especially when my instinct says I should run and hide. I promise to remember all these promises even after eleven o'clock at night when I have lost the ability to think rationally.<br /><br /><br />You are more than I dreamed of, and the longer I love you, the more I find to love. You are God's gift to a truly undeserving man, and with His help, I promise to love and honor you with all my heart and soul for the rest of our lives.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-12931981691221349652008-08-14T09:54:00.000-05:002008-08-14T09:55:27.475-05:00How to Boil WaterSTEP ONE<br />Receive an awesome cookbook from your aunt. <br /><br />STEP TWO<br />Choose recipes--Tuscan chicken stew, Eggplant parmesan, chocolate chip cookies<br /><br />STEP THREE<br />Grocery shop<br /><br />STEP FOUR<br />Cook... for a really freaking long time. (lesson learned... if the recipe says one hour, it will take at least 2)<br />Place what you think is a dutch oven on the stove over medium heat. Apparently though it's a casserole dish and will spontaneously combust in about 2 minutes... exploding and shattering all over the kitchen.<br />Skin the chicken, even though the recipe was really clear you should have bought skinless in the first place.<br />Cut up the eggplant. Realize you don't know what the inside of an eggplant it supposed to look like and yours might be bad. Look on wikipedia for a picture. Decide you're ok.<br />Pour in Italian seasoning on the "pour" side not the "sprinkle" side. Try to scrape as much out of the dish as possible, although what remains is roughly 4x what the recipe calls for.<br /><br />STEP FIVE<br />Make a huge mess. Use a different dish for everything. Curse the day you rented an apartment without a dishwasher.<br /><br />STEP SIX<br />Enjoy a lovely meal and the wine you didn't use in the recipe.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-48929298873059115362008-08-07T00:16:00.002-05:002008-08-07T00:25:03.509-05:00Vows (the Mrs.)I respect you as my equal in Christ and I promise to love first God and then you.<br /><br />You have set me free to be who I am. You love me with a phenomenal and unconditional love that is the most perfect picture of Christ’s love for which I could ask. You have far surpassed my expectations of a partner and you have opened up my heart in such beautiful ways. I love the light in your spirit, your kind heart, and your constant seeking of truth.<br /><br />I pledge to make Christ the center of our life and to pursue His love and justice together with you. I will honor your dreams, nurture your gifts, and embrace your deepest parts. I will not abandon my individual calling in favor of yours, nor will I allow you to sacrifice your individual calling in favor of mine. Rather, I will live our life together as we are one, pursue our collective callings, and seek interdependence with you. I will always try to fully communicate my feelings, fears, desires, and hopes. <br /><br />Falling in love with Christ prepared me to fall in love with you, and I know that His love will sustain us, guide us, and impassion us forever.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-60205102462607391542008-07-28T23:55:00.005-05:002008-07-31T23:15:19.209-05:00Wedding Ceremony Recap (by the Mrs.)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_mKNggZi44o4/SJKNv4Z4HiI/AAAAAAAAAGc/ZA5oc4Nese8/s1600-h/ceremony+blog.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_mKNggZi44o4/SJKNv4Z4HiI/AAAAAAAAAGc/ZA5oc4Nese8/s200/ceremony+blog.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5229397971064856098" /></a><br /><br />I am certainly not going to be able to do this justice! It was the most wonderful day. I know probably all couples say that but it was really fantastic. So intimate and celebratory and joyous and peaceful. <br /><br />We chose not to see each other before the ceremony so the anticipation was pretty gigantic. I forgot that the bride doesn't get to participate in anything at the beginning, which was kind of a bummer, b/c we planned such cool stuff. Teitur and Snow Patrol on a string quartet, for one. But I treasure the time I had with my dad while we were waiting. The moment I saw my beloved it all felt real, like it was for us and about us and we were entering into something so sacred. He smiled at me so big when he saw me walk down the aisle and I couldn't help but cry. My mom stood up with my dad and I at the front and they gave their blessing, and I took his hand and held on for dear life. I lost it when our good friend read Walt Whitman as an invocational prayer. <br /><br />Then it came to the vows. Our pastor reworked the traditional vows so they sound a little cooler, and speak of serving each other as Christ loves the Church, which is exactly how we both want to live. Then we read our personal vows to each other from a scroll hand calligraphied by my former roommmate. His were eloquent and sometimes humorous and again, made me cry. I said all the things I wanted to say and loved having everyone hear our vows, it crystallized them somehow. <br /><br />We got to take communion together, which was very cool. It's meant a lot to us to take communion each week for the last 2 years, and our good friend served us, to remind us of our new covenant. <br /><br />One of my favorite parts of the ceremony was the prayer/dance. Ok not a prayer dance like a rain dance. All of our attendants came on stage to circle around us and pray, while members of my former dance company danced a beautiful interpretation of the song "Divine Invitation" by Something Like Silas. It was a way to interpret the moment with music, words, movement, and prayer. Amazing. <br /><br />We walked out to "We Are One Tonight" by Switchfoot, performed on strings, off through the crowd and into the bookstore (fitting, right?). We faced the congregation the whole time so we got to absorb the community of friends and family and support around us. And the pastor introduced us correctly! <br /><br />Funny moments:<br /><br />When it was time for me to say "I Do" for the traditional vows, I hadn't been paying attention because I was lost in Eric's eyes and my elation. I hesitated because I wasn't sure it was my turn!<br /><br />When reciting Revelation 21, the reader said a "bridge" beautifully dressed for her husband instead of "bride." The Mr. kept calling me his "beautiful bridge".<br /><br />On the way up to serve communion, our friend tripped up the stairs on the stage. My father-in-law thanked him for doing so, because that meant the two of us wouldn't trip (and we didn't).<br /><br />Several of my relatives thought it was scandalous that I went barefoot for the ceremony. No comment on the dancing, lack of traditional music, the lack of unity in my attendants' dresses, or the fact that we both hyphenated our last name. Just my lack of shoes, go figure.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-73315250844412428032008-07-13T02:45:00.002-05:002008-07-13T02:57:35.027-05:00How to Get a Marriage LicenseI'm still not sure how I feel about all the legalities of marriage. I believe marriage is a spiritual covenant so it just feels kind of weird to have to sign papers and pay taxes and all that. However, I suppose there is something cool about being legally bound to each other.<br /><br />We first attempted to get a marriage license a few weeks ago, by going to the Justice of the Peace. That was the wrong place to go but I didn't know that. We stood in line with juvenile delinquents and people paying traffic tickets. When we got to the window we announced we were getting married with a silly grin. She told us to go to the county clerk, the office of whom was of course closed that day.<br /><br />So we tried again last week. We found the right office and it was open, no big deal. (Although there was a guy distributing literature that said "lower gas prices to Bush's IQ", which was very romantic.) The clerk said he knew my FH was not from Texas because he had such an accent. He has not lived outside of this state for about 25 years. The lack of an accent is not an accent, but East Texans have trouble with that concept sometimes.<br /><br />Any way, everything went along fine until time to inscribe our name on the official document. Without even asking, the clerk put "Mr. and Mrs. husband's first husband's last". Ugh. I asked him why I didn't get a name. Then we explained that our name would be hyphenated. Thankfully we caught him before the process was finished. But c'mon, it's the freaking 21st century. Doesn't he think that perhaps at least someone wants to do things a little differently? Sigh.<br /><br />Later that day we went to pick up a Bible that we had engraved. As a wedding gift our pre-marital counselor gave us a family Bible. The store clerk couldn't find it because he didn't understand our name. When he finally located it, he said "oh, right, that combined name one". <br /><br />Just a small taste of life with a hyphenated name, I'm sure. It's going to be worth the trouble.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-82165119286033451472008-07-12T09:16:00.002-05:002008-07-12T09:30:46.481-05:00How to Party without Degrading Yourself and the Opposite SexSo bachelor parties are known as celebrations of all the things that are apparently most sacred to single men, namely booze and naked women. It will come as know surprise that of course I think that is completely ridiculous, and I am baffled as to why men would want to be thought of as sexist drunk idiots. Since alcoholism and objectifying women has not been a part of my bachelorhood, I certainly didn't want to celebrate them at my bachelor party. Fortunately for me, my groomsmen were all more than happy to oblige. (I think many men would prefer not to participate in such behavior and would simply say so if they did not feel it would threaten their standing in our patriarchal culture.)<br /><br />Instead of the typical bachelor party debauchery, we elected to spend the day on Lake Conroe. My brother borrowed his roommate's boat, and we tubed on the lake. One of my groomsmen attempted wakeboarding, but we had to call it quits shortly after because of a storm that was approaching. Said storm almost sunk our boat on the way in, mostly because the boat was a Sea-Doo, one of those vehicles that is more like a giant wave runner than a normal boat. Needless to say, it does not have the durability of a typical boat. Water started coming in over the side. It was up to the knees of the guys in the back. The cooler was even floating. Getting back to the landing area should have taken 5-10 minutes. It ended up taking us somewhere between 30 minutes to an hour. I can't say for sure because I lost track of time when we had to start bailing water out of the boat.<br /><br />Despite almost sinking the boat, we had a really good time. Afterwards we went out to dinner, and then we called it a night. I woke up the next morning hang-over-free, having had a full night's sleep (which is completely sacred to me). I did have a bit of a sunburn though. Needless to say, it is totally possible for a group of guys to have a good time without degrading themselves or the opposite sex, and they can retain most of their brain cells at the same time. Who knew?EKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11248323151082635967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-80649221102820579062008-07-06T01:18:00.002-05:002008-07-06T01:24:15.223-05:00How to Have a Bachelorette and Bachelor PartyFH can tell you all about his bachelor party (you just need to ask him about nearly sinking a boat).<br /><br />Tonight I had my bachelorette party for the girls in the wedding and girls in my small group. My sister, who is the greatest, planned everything and spent a LOT of time preparing. There was a 3 course meal, a gourmet cake (that she made), a murder mystery game, gift opening, and a rosary-making-blessing (all the guests put a bead on a string and passed it around the room, saying a blessing for us as they did). It was all pretty fantastic. <br /><br />I can't believe it's only 2 weeks away! It may well be the longest 2 weeks of our lives...LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-31274722301323450952008-06-27T00:55:00.002-05:002008-06-27T01:06:34.760-05:00How to Be ALMOST MarriedFH keeps saying he's going to post, but as of late he has not, so I will share a few brief words.<br /><br />Engagement highlights of our 40 days:<br /><br />1) Romantic dinner at our favorite downtown restaurant. We had prepared to spend about $30 (total) and ended up forking over, well, a lot more. The specials sounded too good! <br /><br />2) Un-level house, level-heads. Our big old house has shown us more of its, um, personality. Just about everything isn't level--the floor, the ceiling, the walls, the windows, etc. It made picture-hanging pretty interesting...<br /><br />3) My first family camping trip with FH's family and friends. I know you might think camping in June in East Texas might not sound like the best of plans, but it was lots of fun. <br /><br />4) Lots of unnecessary gifts. We know lots of people love us, but we are continually surprised by the lavish-ness of everyone's gifts of time and presents. Our upstairs neighbor the other day said, "you have ANOTHER box." Mailed gifts are the best, b/c you can organize them before the wedding and enjoy them as you open them.<br /><br />5) Being crazy in love. We are just euphoric at the thought of being together forever. We get overwhelmed by all the many emotions and just stop to be thankful. <br /><br />Sure, engagement comes with its share of frustrations, but for us it's been wonderful. C.S. Lewis said some of our greatest joy is in the longing, and I know what he means... How tremendous to look forward and long to be fully one! We are very, very blessed.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-63853469795035465082008-06-05T23:36:00.003-05:002008-06-08T09:49:18.004-05:00How to Count Down 40 Days<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.40-dage.dk/english/pict_english/prayer300x400.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.40-dage.dk/english/pict_english/prayer300x400.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />We're moving into the last 40 days of our engagement. FH noted that this is much like a Lenten season. Lent is observed in the 40 days leading to Easter, a time of reflection and reverence. You give something up and look forward to the celebration of Christ's resurrection.<br /><br />So we're creating our own Lenten season to make it to our wedding. It feels like a holy time. We're only 40 days away from becoming one, from starting a life together in a brand new way. We won't be giving anything up (as we're abstaining from something pretty big already!), but we're going to focus on certain things. We'll make sure we have significant time of rest each day and time together. Basically we'll focus on taking care of ourselves and each other, and on the miracle God has created through Love.<br /><br />As you journey with us in the last weeks of our engagement, you can join us in praying this beautiful prayer (from a Catholic parish in the UK):<br /><br />LORD Jesus Christ, we give you thanks for the love we share, and for bringing us together.<br /><br />TEACH us to prepare for our wedding by an increase of love towards each other, by an increase of generosity to others and by the prayers we make for a long and happy life together.<br /><br />BLESS all those who are helping us to prepare for our wedding. Keep us good-humoured and joyful as the day draws near.<br /><br />TEACH us to live as you did and to love Christ with great devotion all the days of our life together. Amen.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-16241049189768268372008-05-26T23:43:00.003-05:002008-05-26T23:50:54.467-05:00How to Clean 90 Year Old DirtAs I've mentioned, the house we're renting was built in the 1920s. It is, of course, very old. A lot is original, like the molding, doors, jalousies, etc. Some is "newer" like the kitchen cabinets added in the 1950s, and the random wood paneling added on two walls circa 1960s. I'm going to guess this place has had like a million tenants.<br /><br />Anyway, my parents came today to help us clean it up and get ready to move our stuff in. We had a plan to wipe down the cabinets, lay shelf paper, and hang curtains in a few hours. After some digging, we discovered that the cabinet makers were lazy and simply put up the cabinets over the original wallpaper. This was covered by project board cut in haphazard squares. We decided to pull off the paper--floral paper glued to burlap glued to the wood plank wall. There were plenty of roaches and dirt and grime. Several applications of cleaners later we were still wiping up dirt. We then decided to varnish all of the cabinets and that wooden wall to seal in the 90 year old dirt and hope for the best. It was an ordeal, we were there like 10 hours!<br /><br />It's quite a first home for us, and at the risk of being too metaphorical, quite a parallel to our relationship. Some hidden, grimy things that with a lot of work became a beautiful piece of both of us. Awww...LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-5745035772918347752008-05-25T23:14:00.002-05:002008-05-25T23:21:06.688-05:00How to NestMany pregnant women talk about the impulse to nest--you know, get a nursery ready, buy stuff for their new family, etc. I think perhaps some engaged couples have the same impulse, especially right before the wedding. My theory is that in general we feel so all over the place that it makes us feel better to buy or receive stuff that will go towards creating our first home. Or at least that's what I'm saying to make me feel better about how much fun we have accruing stuff.<br /><br />My FH's former church in his hometown threw us a shower this weekend. It was overrun with very nice people I had never met, who all gave us lots of stuff. And we played the old standard game of making a wedding dress out of toilet paper, only this time the men were models. <br /><br />I've also been thinking about how our pasts come in together. Obviously our current lives have meshed well, but we're still learning about each other before we met. This weekend was a good window into the history FH had before me. There's really a lot to this becoming one thing, and I quite like it.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-77722407906943295142008-05-16T10:20:00.002-05:002008-05-16T10:34:35.705-05:00How to Dazzle with Your First DanceSo in preparation for our first dance together at the reception, my FW and I have been taking dance classes. We spent 4 weeks in a beginner ballroom class and are now almost finished with our four week "Romantic Sway" class. We will be waltzing across the dance floor to plenty of oohs and aahs.<br /><br />The ballroom class has prepared us for our future Dancing with the Stars appearances. You may think that we don't really have star power, but maybe you have never watched the show. Real stars don't have time to dance. I couldn't tell you who most of the people on the show are or why I should care about their dancing ability. Anyway, we learned the basic steps of the waltz, rumba, foxtrot, cha-cha, tango, and jitterbug in our ballroom class. The romantic sway class has been teaching us turns and dips and all sorts of impressive looking moves for our first dance. Get your cameras ready folks.<br /><br />I never really pictured myself taking a dance class, but it has been enlightening. One thing I learned is that men apparently are unable to follow a simple two-step rhythm, at least that is what one of our instructors said. Maybe the Y chromosome has an anti-dance gene on it. That sounds scientific and easily provable. I happen to take pride in the fact that even though I am not totally graceful, I can always find the beat. I think it comes from all those years of marching band.<br /><br />It has also been fun to hear what songs other people are using for their first dance. There are the predictable-in-a-make-me-want-to-vomit-sugary-sweet type songs like "God Blessed the Broken Road." (Is there an emoticon for gagging?) One of the songs is in a completely different language, sounds Japanese to me, pretty cool I might add although it does not have a regular beat. We will be dancing to Cole Porter's "Night and Day" as sung by the amazing Ella Fitzgerald. It is a little more upbeat, so it is really fun to dance to. Plus, it doesn't make me want to vomit.<br /><br />On a related note, there will be no "Chicken Dance" at our reception. I know it is often the highlight of the night, so I thought I should warn you now lest you be disappointed later.EKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11248323151082635967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-14563370650356279812008-05-06T16:27:00.002-05:002008-05-13T15:46:19.729-05:00How to House Hunt<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/SCDjD1UT1DI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/El7CzMzyJ9M/s1600-h/living+room.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/SCDjD1UT1DI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/El7CzMzyJ9M/s200/living+room.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5197403624976929842" /></a><br /><br />Currently, we live two blocks from each other in a very cool neighborhood with no zoning. Thus, we refer to it as the "all rent district"... government subsidized housing next to million dollar homes. It's quite unique. We wanted desperately to stay in said neighborhood when we moved into a new place. <br /><br />We had certain criteria on top of location. We've given up driving whenever possible so our new home had to be in walking or biking distance of most everything. We were also looking for a yard for our dog (or at least a place that would accept dogs... that was tricky). We wanted a porch, a place to store our bikes, a washer/dryer, enough room for my at-home workspace, and oh, yeah, a low, low price.<br /><br />We used a realtor and good ol' craigslist to come upon our awesome place. Ironically, it's around the corner from our church. It's the bottom floor (we have an upstairs neighbor) of a 1920s Victorian house and met every single requirement we had. No dishwasher, but since FH will be doing the dishes and he doesn't care about that, no worries.<br /><br />I'm not really into urban renewal and gentrification. I understand tearing down beat up, abandoned houses that really can't be saved. But getting rid of perfectly quality houses just because they aren't new just makes me sad. My grandmother is the last original owner on her street, having lived in her house over 50 years. Two-story new construction houses are going up around her, and I want to stand in front of the wrecking-ball so her house won't go down. <br /><br />Anyway, back to our house. Our upstairs neighbor has lived there a while and told us some of the history (I love history!). Apparently our neighborhood was the site of a very large state fair back in the day, and he assumes our house (which looks identical to many on the street from the same era) was a boarding house for folks who spent a few weeks at the fair. Given the extremely odd layout of the place, that makes sense. He's also convinced it might be haunted, but I don't believe in ghosts, so we're good. <br /><br />It's so fun to imagine the stories of the lives of people who have lived in our place the past 80+ years. What a story to build on for our first home together.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-8909670821532146802008-05-03T23:24:00.004-05:002008-05-06T16:27:11.102-05:00How to Shower<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/SCDNDlUT1CI/AAAAAAAAAGI/jZfIrlhczkM/s1600-h/monogram+cake.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/SCDNDlUT1CI/AAAAAAAAAGI/jZfIrlhczkM/s200/monogram+cake.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5197379431426151458" /></a><br />So apparently when you get married, people give you a lot of parties. That's really fun!<br /><br />Today was the first of "shower season," as I'm calling it. Our church hosted a couples' shower for us and it was a lot of people I love in one room. One of my bridesmaids took the day off work yesterday to prepare gourmet desserts, including drawing our monogram in icing on the cake. Her husband actually torched the creme brule right before the party started. Minus a slight malfunction of the chocolate fountain, it was all pretty perfect.<br /><br />We played the "Newlywed Game" which tests trivia like the first movie you saw together, your first kiss, etc. We got most of them the same, even "what's the most embarrassing thing you've done in front of your fiance"... FH answered "nothing she's perfect" and I had said "nothing, I'm too cool." Then we played a really awkward game where I was blindfolded and had to feel the hands of 5 different guys to see if I would choose my G2B. Sadly, I chose my BSIL, thinking it was my FH. Talk about awkward...<br /><br />Of course opening gifts was fun... FH didn't know about the tradition that for how many ribbons you break, you are going to have that many babies. Who makes up these rules? Most of the gifts were from our registry, with a few exceptions. One was a set of sheets from my FSIL who doesn't do registries, as she explained (fortunately she has great taste!), and another was vegan banana bread. We also got the exact same gift from two different people... the same cookie sheet and cook book. My parents started a tradition with my sister that she got 6 silk flowers 6 months before her wedding, then 5 flowers 5 months before, and so on. For me, my parents are giving me anniversary date ideas in the countdown to the wedding. This month it was a pasta pot and fancy pasta and sauce for us to make on our one month anniversary.<br /><br />Really we're just very loved, and "showered" (sorry it was to easy) with affection and support.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-92063032326718183482008-05-02T10:38:00.003-05:002008-05-02T10:59:22.673-05:00How to be Stressed...ishIn my mom's experience as a wedding planner, the last 3 months before the wedding are the craziest. She warned me of this phenomenon, especially just after we were engaged and I thought planning our wedding was the greatest thing ever. It's still the greatest thing ever, but the life stress of all these changes is pretty intense.<br /><br />Here's what we have going on: <br /><br />1) FH graduates with his master's next week (hooray!).<br />2) I'm (sadly) leaving my job of 2 years in 2 weeks. My dissertation is not writing itself and I need to focus on it solely.<br />3) FH is looking for a job for next academic year and finishing his current job next week. Note that there will be a period of time when neither one of us has a job. Yikes.<br />4) We're looking for a place to live. Actually we found the perfect place, we're just waiting for final approval.<br />5) I'm moving in one month. Then I'm moving again in 2 months. And Eric's moving in 2 months. And finally after the wedding no one will move for a very long time.<br />6) Our small group is "multiplying". We are quite huge, so we are making more groups out of the large community group we have.<br />7) We are still, obviously, planning a wedding. Thankfully all the big stuff is done, it's just the little details and pulling everything together. <br /><br />The funny thing is, I don't feel stressed most of the time b/c I'm so happy about my life. I do, however, have random breakdowns or get exhausted all of a sudden. Then I remember all that we have going on and remember that I'm stressed. :) But it's a good stress, a time of excitement and possibility and transformation that's weird and beautiful.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-19626180231886990372008-04-24T08:45:00.005-05:002008-04-25T13:17:59.976-05:00How to Shop for Rings... AgainSo when I was shopping for my FW's engagement ring, I really wanted to find a conflict-free diamond. As important as our marriage is, I didn't want to fund any wars or genocides with my purchase. Fortunately, conflict-free diamonds have become "cool" now (I love that being socially and environmentally conscious is now popular. It makes me feel a little cooler and much more of a conformist than I would like to admit). Anyway, there are many jewelers that now offer quality conflict-free diamonds at very affordable prices.<br /><br />Well, it is time for us to purchase wedding bands. Neither of us want anything fancy, and I was always under the impression that most wedding bands were pretty simple, that the only major choice was what kind of metal to get. I was very wrong about this. There are some pretty ornate designs for both men and women. Many of them also contain a variety of stones. Probably the most interesting type we have come across are wooden rings although Lord of the Ring replica rings are a close second (I wonder if you can get it engraved... <span style="font-style: italic;">One ring to rule them all...</span>). I think it is great that there is truly something out there for everyone. The Internet really has just about anything you can imagine, and it connects us in such interesting ways.<br /><br />Anyway, I am getting my FW's ring from a site called <a href="http://www.brilliantearth.com/">Brilliant Earth</a>. They sell conflict-free jewelry, and most of it is made out of recycled metals as well (because green and peaceful makes it twice as cool). We have decided to engrave each others' rings, so now the only question is what I should put on hers. I have a pretty good idea what it will be, but I haven't had a new poll on here in a while, so I figured I would see which option you guys like best.<br /><br />Here are the options:<br />A) One ring to rule them all.<br />B) I <span style="font-family:times new roman;"><3</span> U 4EVR<br />C) Property of (insert FW's name here)<br />D) You complete me.<br /><br />(Disclaimer: None of these are really options I am considering in case you were concerned.)EKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11248323151082635967noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-32834073922121910112008-04-16T16:18:00.002-05:002008-04-16T16:23:01.014-05:00How to Be QuotableAfter reading <a href="http://offbeatbride.com/2008/04/groom-changing-last-name">this post</a> on men taking their wife's name, the following conversation occurred:<br /><br />FH: I think hyphenating our name is going to be a big pain.<br />FW: So is patriarchy.<br />FH: You're right, patriarchy is a much bigger pain!<br /><br />If I were an illustrator, I'd make that into a comic strip...LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-2494152806908066532008-04-16T13:37:00.003-05:002008-04-16T14:06:44.612-05:00How to Choose a Last Name (Part... I Lost Count)So we are both still going to hyphenate our names, nothing different on that front... However, I have been learning just how inconvenient name changes really are. I realized that if I change my last name, I will have to notify my bank, insurance, credit cards, the DOT, and lots of other institutions. Women have been doing this for years without complaint, but since men are pretty new to the legal name change thing, I feel entitled to complain about it a little.<br /><br />As troubling as patriarchy can be for women, it can also be annoying for men. For example, some states do not allow a man to change his name legally without going through the courts and paying outrageous legal fees. Furthermore, our culture is so incapable of wrapping its mind around the concept that men may want to change their names, that these institutions often have no idea how to deal with these changes when they happen (here's a hint: do whatever you do when women change their name). Hyphenated names are even more inconvenient. I don't remember there being a hyphen bubble to fill in on the last name slot on the SAT. If I were a conspiracy theorist... if I were MORE of a conspiracy theorist, I might think that this system is designed to prevent men from changing their names and to discourage hyphenating altogether. Unfortunately for them, I am just contrary enough for this to be an encouragement. Besides, I think the inability to deal with male name changes is more a result of sexist assumptions and incompetency than it is a mass conspiracy.<br /><br />See, sexism can be inconvenient for men too. I leave you with some related questions I commonly mull over for no apparent reason:<br />1. Could I ever get paternity leave?<br />2. Will househusband ever be a respected role in our society?<br />3. My parents one time told me I was Venutian (part of a ridiculously cruel joke), but aren't men from Mars?<br />4. Is it possible for Christian speakers to talk about marriage without telling the same sexist jokes Cotton Mather probably told his congregation? Incidentally, the most recent offender is this knee-slapper: "When a woman says she has nothing to wear, she means she has nothing <span style="font-style: italic;">new </span>to wear. When a man says he has nothing to wear, he means he has nothing <span style="font-style: italic;">clean </span>to wear." Wasn't that hilarious? I mean seriously, he really got me there. I have never heard that one before.<br />5. Finally, is a man allowed to go to a "chick-flick" without a date?EKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11248323151082635967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-83952215462525803352008-04-08T22:49:00.003-05:002008-04-08T23:05:18.799-05:00How to Empower Women and Save the Earth<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/R_w_k7BKNZI/AAAAAAAAAGA/2JGa0SWH01c/s1600-h/womancraft.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/R_w_k7BKNZI/AAAAAAAAAGA/2JGa0SWH01c/s200/womancraft.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5187090774374364562" /></a><br />So we knew we wanted to use recycled paper for wedding invitations, but I had no idea we'd find something this cool. Thanks to a tip from the <a href="http://offbeatbride.ning.com">Offbeat Bride Tribe</a>, I found <a href="http://www.womancraft.net">WomanCraft</a>. <br /><br />"WomanCraft, Inc., the social enterprise of <a href="http://www.deborahsplace.org/">Deborah's Place</a>, provides a supportive, authentic workplace where women can<br /><br /> * Earn income<br /> * Engage in meaningful work<br /> * Improve job skills<br /> * Build a work history<br /><br />Women who are current and former participants and tenants of Deborah's Place are employed as artisans, making handmade, recycled paper and unique jewelry items. Our social mission is achieved by operating a business; all proceeds help women work to create new beginnings." (<a href="http://www.womancraft.net">www.womancraft.net</a>)<br /><br />It's pretty much the coolest thing ever. The paper is beautiful, and they work with any budget. My FH and I feel blessed to work with them.<br /><br />BTW, my sister said they other day she felt ashamed for not having recycled wedding invitations. We're not about making people feel ashamed, we're about questioning the system and making changes in our lives where we personally feel we should. For us, the wedding was an important reflection of how we want to live our lives and participate in God's redemptive works. This is about our journey, and the questions. Thanks as always for reading!LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-9835514285978838732008-03-30T11:04:00.005-05:002008-03-31T00:24:52.217-05:00How to Design a MonogramNow that our last name choice is official, we wanted to get a monogram. This was no small feat, considering that most monograms are two small letters (representing the first names of the husband and wife) and one large one (representing the husband's, and now collective, last name). If we went that route we'd have four letters and that just seemed crowded. Then we thought about just a K and an H, but most places can't conceive of two letters, or want to make one a different size, or whatever. No pre-embroidered towels will work for us, that's for sure.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/R--8PrBKNYI/AAAAAAAAAF4/PgbsFsYOWyY/s1600-h/Kerr+-+Heraly.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mKNggZi44o4/R--8PrBKNYI/AAAAAAAAAF4/PgbsFsYOWyY/s320/Kerr+-+Heraly.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5183568673558377858" /></a><br />Thankfully, we have lots of talented friends, and one of them happens to be a designer. He did a beautiful job designing our equally-sized K and H. More than that, though, he put a lot of thought and love into it. The K, he says, reminds him of me because it looks like it's dancing. And he worked on the H so that it looks like the H is pulling the K toward it. That's appropriate b/c my FH had to patiently pursue me while I was dancing on my own... Now we're dancing together. So this design is perfect, lovingly conceived and perfect for us.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1200802274884812255.post-84542988060725279252008-03-22T08:13:00.002-05:002008-03-22T08:33:32.088-05:00How to Cut Up a Dress<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos.precedentproductions.com/helenblog/VintagePatternheaven_FF2C/butterick74883.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://photos.precedentproductions.com/helenblog/VintagePatternheaven_FF2C/butterick74883.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The dress was the first thing I bought (a mere 5 days after our official engagement). I was so excited about and went to a lot of different places, finally found it on the clearance rack at a snooty store in Plano.<br /><br />For some reason, wedding dresses are always too long. It doesn't matter how tall you are, they always have to be hemmed. I'm not <a href="http://www.offbeatbride.com">offbeat</a> enough to wear a red dress or something totally unexpected, so mine needs some work to make it fit.<br /><br />I went to a "highly recommended" seamstress who works in a fancy shop with chandeliers and nice seating. I tried on the dress and she suggested that she would have to take the dress apart (i.e. dissemble it) and put it back together. That sounded pretty extreme to me, so my mom and I asked a lot of questions. I made one suggestion, and she responded that if we did that it would flatten my chest, and she didn't want to make that worse. Obviously that was uncalled for, and I responded that I was confident in my bust size and didn't want to add a bunch of padding and artificial nonsense. <br /><br />Finally, she declared that she didn't want to do the alterations on my dress. She promptly unzipped it so I could get out of it and leave her shop. She knew she could do a great job, she said, but there were too many questions about her work. I apologized if my questions were offensive, but I was merely trying to understand. Being an informed consumer is supposed to be a good thing. Oh, and she wanted to charge $700. She's delusional. I guess most of her customers throw down that much money without asking questions. Yikes.<br /><br />So I went with a seamstress who works in a little shop who did the alterations for some friends of mine. She listened to my questions and answered them, and had some creative solutions for things the other seamstress didn't even consider. And she told me I looked great in the dress.LKHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09369230304159483792noreply@blogger.com1