How to Integrate your Spiritual Lives

So figuring out how to integrate our spiritual lives has definitely been one of the hardest parts of our relationship. It just isn't something that I had given much thought before because I just assumed it would be a sort of natural process. The other problem is that spirituality is such a unique, intimate part of us. It is scary to share sometimes. Other times it is just difficult to articulate. Many of us tend to try and accommodate for this by making up a bunch of rules and formulas to follow, but this often imposes limits on God and leads us to frustration and despair.

Having grown up in conservative Christian backgrounds, I have been told and shown some strange things regarding spirituality in a relationship. I have been told repeatedly that the husband is the spiritual head of the family, but I honestly have no idea what this really means. I have seen it illustrated mostly as the man having some sort of ultimate authority over major family decisions while wives typically handle the minor stuff. This seems like a really poor model to me. It doesn't respect the spiritual lives of the wife and children, and it puts a ridiculous burden on the husband. I have even seen this extend into dating relationships where the boyfriend has some sort of authority over the girlfriend, which I find even more disturbing.

I don't really have any clear cut answers about how to integrate spiritual lives. I suppose it helps if you share most of the same core values, but I have seen some interdenominational and interfaith marriages that work better than many same-same (I credit my sister for the expression) marriages. I know that for my FW and me, the formulaic stuff has failed miserably. We tried scheduling time together for prayer, but I would forget and then feel guilty about it. We also tried reading through a chapter of the Bible every day and e-mailing our thoughts on it, but I didn't like this much either. What has been good is to just talk about our spiritual lives even (maybe especially) when things aren't going so well. It has made the times when we do pray together much more meaningful.

I wonder what other couples do about spiritual matters. Most people don't really talk about it, at least not beyond the formulaic stuff. I think it is such an important part of who we are, but it is often the part of us that we keep so hidden from others.