How to Find "the" Dress

(From the FW)

So I bought a wedding dress. I'm telling you this because I wanted to let you know about this great organization called Brides Against Breast Cancer. They creatively raise money to help grant wishes to women who are terminally ill with breast cancer. Among other things, they accept donated gowns, either worn previously or given by designers/boutiques, and sell them at large events across the country. So I wanted to start looking for a dress because they had an event in Dallas. The best part is, 100% of the proceeds go to making a wish, as far as I understand.

Sadly, I did not find my dress at this event... not because they didn't have beautiful, quality gowns, but because I'm picky. I do hope to eventually donate my gown to the organization. And there are other ways to support them, including Quilters Against Breast Cancer, Pink Envelope showers and receptions, and volunteering at their events.

And just a short feminist commentary on wedding dresses...

For a long time I struggled with expressing my own femininity because I didn't want to be put in a box. But if wearing a fancy dress on my wedding day is what I want, and not what I'm told to do, then why not?

How to Build a Wedsite

So ever since Al Gore invented the Internet, people all over the world have given us way too much access to their personal lives. We now have WebCam diaries, YouTube proposals, and thousands of rambling blogs (excluding this one of course). Self-expression and self-indulgence have reached new highs, and although clearly I am no expert on either of those subjects, my FW and I decided to create a wed-site to better inform our guests about really important wedding information.

For those of you who are only reading this page because someone else logged in for you (I'm talking to you grandma), you may be unaware of the variety of information available on the Web. Wed-sites are customized web pages where couples can post information, maps, and pictures. Some sites even have RSVP capability. My FW and I thought it would be a shame not to keep our guests updated, so we have started putting together a wed-site with only the most crucial information you need. Make no mistake, this wed-site is serious business. It is not just an excuse for us to put up cute pictures of ourselves and tell you about all our favorite things. We would never use our upcoming marriage as a sad attempt at getting attention. We are above that sort of pathetic behavior. So keep a lookout for our upcoming wed-site. Browse each section. Sign the guestbook, or don't sign the guestbook - we don't need any cheap affirmation.

How to Choose a Last Name

So one of the most popular questions we get asked is whether or not my FW is going to take my name. I never realized how important this subject was to people. It's like the future of humanity will be determined by the last name that my FW goes by. I think it was Romeo who said, "What's in a name?" (Yes, I just quoted Shakespeare in a blog post). I just don't see what the big deal is. Maybe you guys could explain it to me.

Well, I didn't really want to bring up the subject much while we were just dating because of my FW's ban on marriage talk. When I would tell people (especially my family) that my girlfriend was a feminist, they would immediately ask about the name change. Since we hadn't been dating long, this confirmed to me that my family is basically nuts. I used to just tell them that I didn't really know, but I thought she might keep her last name (at least professionally) which was fine with me. Here's the thing though. There is something special about sharing a last name. I guess in some ways it is symbolic of spiritual unity. As progressive and boundary breaking as we are, we decided to go ahead and try for the same last name (except professionally - deal with it).

This gave us a few options. One, we could hyphenate our last names, but this an article we read by a feminist who had done so convinced us otherwise. I mean, what would our grandchildren's last names be (assuming they too marry the children of a couple as gender-conscious as us)? Two, we could combine our last name into a new one, and while Kerrly has a nice ring to it... actually, no it doesn't. Three, we could just abandon our last names and choose a brand new one, our favorite was Katsopolis (like Uncle Jesse on Full House). Don't laugh, that is still in the running.

I think we decided to go with option four. My FW will use her last name as a second middle name while taking my last name. I will also add her last name as a second middle name (assuming that is possible in the state of Texas), and our kids will all have it as a second middle name. We think it will really start to catch on and soon oppressive patriarchal systems all over the world will crumble.

How to Play "The Game"

So I am not smooth at all. I have no moves, no lines, no game, and virtually no dating experience (until I met my FW). None of this bodes well for someone on the dating scene, especially a small town boy in the big city. On top of this, I had never dated a feminist before. I wondered whether I should open doors for her (I do) and whether I should plan every date and pay for every date (after we became exclusive, we started sharing those duties). Here are some of my basic dating philosophies for the 21st century. Hey, they actually worked for me.

1.) Be honest. You don't have to tell your deepest darkest secrets on the first date, but if you want a relationship that is going anywhere, you should be honest from the beginning. Relationships are hard, but I know that my FW loves the real me because I don't pretend to be someone else. Don't be afraid to let the inner-dork shine through (in my case, my FW finds it strangely charming most of the time).

2.) Be romantic. If you aren't capable, find ideas on the Internet or watch a few romantic comedies. They can be cheesy, but there is a fine line between romantic and cheesy (and I cross it every day).

3.) Be considerate. Ask her about herself. Go on dates she would like. I have been to the ballet, the opera, and contemporary dance performances. These are not my typical weekend activities, but I know how much my FW likes dance. She enjoys these things so much, that it makes them more enjoyable for me. She has even gone to Astros games and sat through a couple action movies with me (which she ended up enjoying too).

Just in case you need a few lines though, here are some that may help woo a feminist:

- [Drop a packet of Equal sweetener in front of her.] Excuse me you dropped your name tag.
- Drop that zero and get with the liberated male.
- I lost my number... and my preconceived sexist notions.
- Do your feet hurt because you have been stomping on patriarchal constructions in my mind all day.

And finally:

- (Not to be used with Christian feminists) Your domestic sphere or mine?

How to Choose a Ring

So I have virtually no fashion sense. I am known to occasionally dress like an old man. My FW is helping me to improve, but some taste just can't be taught. I know that a lot of couples go ring shopping together, but we decided to go a little more traditional, with me buying it on my own.

My FW did give me two guidelines: the diamond had to be conflict-free (a no-brainer really) and the band had to be white gold (my preference as well). I had heard that there was something called the four C's (cut, carat, color, and clarity), but I didn't know what they were. Equipped with my ignorance and old-man-taste, I braved the world of internet diamond shopping.

First off, I have to say that online shopping is the way to go. There is less overhead, fewer middlemen (or middlewomen), greater selection, no taxes, and most surprising, more security. It didn't take me long to find a ring... a ring that only an old lady would wear (as my FW's best friends informed me). My brother could have told me the same thing but had decided to keep that information to himself. I tried again, and chose another old-lady diamond.

Here was my problem (besides my old-man-taste). I didn't want to go with the usual round or princess (square) cut. I wanted something simple and elegant but not typical, something that echoed the uniqueness and beauty of my fiancee. I finally found the perfect cut, a radiant cut diamond (similar to a princess-cut, but rectangular). Since radiant is one of my favorite adjectives I use to describe my FW, this seemed like a perfect match.

I was a little nervous ordering the ring because all I had was a picture, but I knew the site was reliable and that I could always send it back if it wasn't what I expected. When it came in the mail, I was so excited. It was perfect. I had it for a week and a half before the proposal, and I kept looking at it (feel free to make fun of me). My FW loves it, so that is what really matters, but I really owe a lot to the people who helped me pick it out.

How to Take Engagement Pictures

So yesterday, my FW and I took our engagement pictures. If you haven't been following the crazy planning checklist, let me recap. We have been engaged for one week, and we have already: booked a time and location for the ceremony and reception, begun creating a guest list, started looking for a location for the rehearsal dinner (as well as creating a preliminary guest list for that), taken engagement pictures, and one other big thing that I will let my fiancee tell you guys about (hint: I didn't participate in this part of the process). At this rate, we should have the whole thing planned by Thanksgiving.

Taking pictures was fun, but I started to get a little tired at the end. I smile all the time, but I can only pose for so long. My sister was our photographer, and she is awesome. Some of the pictures were really great. My favorite part was probably getting in the giant fountain at UH because I have wanted to do it ever since I first saw the thing. The bad part is that I ruined my cell phone by getting it wet, so I have to go buy a new one tomorrow. That's why I haven't called you back (even if you left a message two weeks ago, yeah that's the ticket).

Wow, I almost finished this post without discussing feminism. Well, here's something to ponder. In some of the pictures, I was carrying my FW (physically I mean, we all know she's the one that does the heavy lifting in the photogenic department). I think it would have been kind of cool if we had taken some pictures of her carrying me though, you know for the sake of gender equality.

How a Dog Complicates Things

So I am dogsitting for a friend this weekend, and dogs are really on my mind right now. I have a female black lab who is a year and a half old. She is really sweet but also half-insane, and even though she loves my FW, she can get pretty jealous.

Before I even tell you about how my dog has fit into this relationship, I should give you a few facts about her. She weighs 65 pounds but still thinks she is a lap dog. She is afraid of vacuum cleaners, brooms, ironing boards, and leaves. She knows she isn't supposed to jump on people, but that has never stopped her (at best she hops in a circle around the person). She eats everything she finds on the ground that fits in her mouth, including cigarette butts and rotten banana peels. A few weeks ago, I was laying on the couch and called her. She hurdled the coffee table and landed on top of me (yeah because that's what I wanted her to do). I could go on, but I assume you get the point.

Needless to say, my dog has caused a little tension in our relationship. On our second date, when my FW met the dog, it almost ripped her dress, and she kept interrupting our first DTR (defining the relationship - those talks everyone loves). When we watch movies together on the couch she finds a way to obstruct my FW's vision without fail. Actually, the first time we ever sat on the couch together, she tried to sit in between us (even thought she is not allowed on the couch). She also loves to wrap us in her leash (which sort of defeats the purpose if she is trying to get between us).

All of this is meant to preface this one statement. Don't expect us to have kids anytime soon.

How I Knew He Was the One

Well I couldn't let my FH have all the fun. (FH=future husband for those of you unfamiliar with the vernacular of wedding blogs, like I was until very recently). So I'm contributing too... this is an equal relationship, right?

Some of you might be a little confused about the chronology of all this, let me explain.

Yes, I told my FH I wanted to marry him about one month before he proposed. How does that work? I have to back up...

When we first started dating, I announced I did not want an exclusive relationship. I'm not really sure what I meant by that, but it felt like a good way to put off committing to anyone. I didn't last long, and we soon became an item, and had the DTR about what to call each other (he said I could call him "boyfriend," unless there was a more gender neutral term I preferred :).

Shortly after that, I told him I didn't even want to hear the word marriage in any context for a minimum of six months, and then I didn't want to make a decision about it until we'd been together for at least one year. You may at this point be thinking I'm a total commitment-phobe, but if you know me I move slowly and think things through and wait for the right timing, so it just made sense to me.

So, this summer my FH flew out to Atlanta where I was doing research and drove back with me to Texas. Somewhere in that really long car ride I told him that I wanted him to be the one to bring up marriage first, if he ever wanted to bring it up (this was at 8 months). Of course, I was bringing it up first in starting this conversation. So we talked about talking about marriage, and decided we weren't ready to even talk about it, and that was that.

Over the summer my now fiance dropped some pretty large hints. OK, they weren't hints, they were declarations. "I want this relationship to end in marriage," and things like that. I was more freaked out than flattered at the time... not because of him but because I was wrestling with myself in a lot of areas. And that needed to happen.

At the end of the summer, I had a change of heart and told him I was ready to talk about marriage... Actually I said I was ready to explore the possibility of marriage, but conversation topics like engagement and weddings were off the list. Marriage is so much more than those thing, so I didn't want to get swept up in the other stuff before we talked about the hard stuff. That's when we decided to go through !0 Great Dates Before You Say I Do, which is geared for seriously dating couples who are thinking about marriage (and also engaged couples). It was fun and practical and I kept discovering that we were even more perfect for each other than I thought. We also went through pre-engagement counseling of sorts (it may sound weird, but it's a Godsend to begin digging up your issues before you dive into marriage).

But what it really all came down to is that I knew I loved him, more deeply than I ever could have imagined. And I was so sure of his love for me. He told me that he would wait for me. That gave me total freedom to take the time and really be sure. I went home to visit my family over Labor Day weekend and spent the whole time thinking and praying and feeling, and at the end of the weekend I had this total peace that he was the one, that God meant for us to be together. I journaled about all the reasons I was sure and filled up six pages. This was 3 weeks shy of one year.

Since I'm all about waiting for the right moment, I waited until Thursday and took him to the park where we exchanged our first "I love you." Then I told him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, that I was really sure. He was ecstatic, to say the least.

So about one month later, he popped the question and presented me with a beautiful, conflict-free diamond ring in a candle-lit proposal in the most symbolic place. And that's how it happened.

How to Pick a Reception Venue

So as some of you may know already, my fiancee and I have already been planning a little bit. I don't know if all feminists are as intense at planning as my fiancee, but she had a spreadsheet of places to check the day after she told me she wanted to marry me. About a month ago, we spent a couple of afternoons checking out some of these places. (In case it isn't obvious yet, I will not be one of those guys who just sits on the couch while my fiancee plans the entire wedding.)

We narrowed our choices down to three from the original spreadsheet. One of the places we decided against charged $30,000. Let's just say that we couldn't budget that. The three we visited were more in our price range.

Here are some of the highlights of our two afternoons.

One of the places we visited is a historic theater. We thought it just sounded like a really cool place to have a reception given our affinity for the arts (and my fiancee's affinity for history). It had carpet on the walls. Picture it if you can. This wasn't the kind of historic vibe we were going for. Oh, the other bonus was that there was no parking lot, so they shared a lot with Planned Parenthood. I can't quite picture my Catholic relatives being too excited about parking there.

We also checked out the local Czech center, even though neither of us are Czech. We did have fun coming up with a new last name that sounded Czech though. My fiancee says it reminded her of a fancy, old European hotel. I have to take her word for it because I have never been to Europe, and it didn't remind me of any place I have stayed in Mexico, which is the only international travel I have done. There was an awesome chandelier in the room, but I hated the carpet. It also had classical art on the walls. I love classical art... in museums.

The first place we visited was the one we ended up choosing. It was perfect for us. The place is beautiful. It looks like a Mediterranean villa. It gives us a lot of room for creativity, and the people there were really flexible (not in a yoga way, which incidentally is something my fiancee teaches). I would include a link, but I don't want you to know how much we spent. Just picture a nice Italian home, with tables, flowers, dancing, cake, and other wedding reception stuff.

We have had the place booked for a few weeks now, which is why we already have a date for the wedding. Did I mention my fiancee is a big time planner?

How to Meet a Feminist

You might be wondering, how does one meet a feminist, or perhaps more importantly, how does one ask a feminist out on a date? Once again, I can't give you any hard fast rules, but I will share my experience.

My FW (future wife) and I met last August. I had just started attending this church in Houston that she had been attending for about two years. I was looking for a small group in the area, and in early July, my brother and I attended one that was about to split. After the split, we decided to try the new group. My FW also was looking for a new small group because she had just moved to the central Houston area. We both happened to go on the night that the new group started.

Now, I must point out that I was not simply trolling the small group for dates, and I certainly did not think that I would meet anyone like my FW. When I walked in, my FW was the one of the first people I talked to. I was immediately intrigued. I mean, it's not everyday you meet a Christian feminist who also happens to be gorgeous. I found out that she too was in grad school at UH and was new to the small group. That night, the group was huge, so the leaders decided another immediate split would be neccesary to keep the groups small. I was just really hoping to end up in the same group as this woman I had just met (so was she I came to find out).

We ended up in the same group, and about a month later after school had just started, my FW suggested that we carpool to school on Thursdays. This was her not so subtle way of letting me know she was interested, but I am clueless and assumed she just wanted to carpool. Of course, to do so, I had to leave for school three hours early and drive about 15 minutes out of my way. She didn't know that until later. Of course, she kept dropping hints that she was interested, and I kept being oblivious while trying to play it cool, which is impossible (as those of you who know me can attest).

About a month into the carpooling, my FW and her roommate threw a housewarming party. I went and made my special salsa, a surefire date-getter. I was still shuffling my feet at this point, but I had finally picked up on a few of the signals she was sending me, and I wanted to just go for it. She unfortunately thought that I was interested in one of her friends at the party, but I was only being nice because she was friends with my FW. She had pretty much given up hope that I was going to ask her out, but the next morning, I called her to ask her out... for the very next night. This was a bad idea for two reasons, one- the short notice, and two- my FW is NOT a morning person. Well, miracles happen, and she agreed to go out one week later.

On that first date, she told me that she wasn't interested in an exclusive dating relationship. I told her that was fine, but I wasn't interested in dating anyone else. Apparently that was a really smooth move because after about two weeks we were exclusive. The rest is history (or herstory if you prefer).

So there you have it, that's how you meet and begin dating a feminist.

How to Propose to a Feminist

You might be wondering, how does one propose to a feminist? Well, I can't give you any hard fast rules, but I can tell you how I did it.

Monday is our weekly date night. For the last ten weeks, we have been going through a book (we really like books) called Ten Great Dates Before You Say I Do. It has all sorts of topics to discuss about planning a marriage and family. I highly recommend it. Anyway, we were finishing the final chapter, so I told my fiancee that I wanted to do something special for that night. We ended up going to the restaurant we went to on our first date out. While we were there, some friends of ours were setting up some stuff for me in the art gallery (sanctuary for those of you who haven't been) of our church (feminists can love Jesus too). This was my second choice of location, but it was raining, so I couldn't do it at the park like I had originally planned.

Dinner went faster than planned, so when I called them from the bathroom, they weren't ready and asked me to stall for about 20 minutes. I went back to the table and told my fiancee that I just wanted to sit and talk for a little while. Then I asked her a bunch of questions about the book to stall for more time. After a while, we headed over to the church.

When we got there, we parked in the back as usual, but when I checked my text messages, my friend had told me to come in the front. At this point my fiancee was already extremely suspicious because I am not sly at all, and by the time we pulled around front, she was pretty sure what was really going on. As we walked up to the building, there were some people out front in the courtyard swing dancing. It was pretty wet outside, so my fiancee thought it was a little odd that they would be dancing there. In reality, they were using the sanctuary until our friends kicked them out.

When you walk into the building where our church meets, there is a coffee shop that is open all week. You have to go through part of the coffee shop to get to the church. Our friends that helped set up were in there along with a few others that just happened to be there that night. I told my fiancee that we weren't there for coffee and took her into the sanctuary.

The lights were all off, and there were candles lit all around the stage. There was a big bouquet of flowers on the edge of the stage, and in the background, we were playing a CD of old love songs that I had made for her a few months ago. I took her over to the stage, and we sat down on the steps. I told her that the flowers in the bouquet represented different things about her and our relationship that I really love. I then explained the meaning of each one. (She doesn't remember much of what I said.) Then I got down on one knee, pulled out the ring, and asked her to marry me. She was speechless, but she nodded her head and eventually said yes through some tears.

After a little while, one of our friends came in to ask if the swing dancers could have the sanctuary back, so we followed her into the coffee shop and were greeted with a round of applause. After we briefly exchanged hugs and handshakes, we went upstairs to talk and call our families. The best part is that no one is usually in the upstairs room except during meetings and services, but there was a girl studying up there. We were really loud and excited and clearly trying to share a personal moment, but she just wouldn't leave. Eventually, she got the picture or got annoyed and left us alone.

So basically that's how you propose to a feminist.

Welcome Friends, Family, and People with Too Much Free Time

Well, it is now official. I am engaged to a feminist. And yes, I proposed to her.

If you think that feminists are bra-burning, liberal, power-hungry man-haters, then let me be the first to introduce you to the 21st century. My fiancee has yet to burn a bra although I could see it happening in some sort of freak kitchen accident. She has also never professed to hate men, and I know for a fact that she is very much in love with one in particular because she hasn't stopped smiling for the last two days.

So if you are curious about what a gender-equal, eco-friendly, social-conscious, Christian wedding might look like, you have found your blog. If you just want to know what kind of china patterns we pick out, maybe I will have something to say about that too. Welcome to 21st century wedding planning.