How to Take Off the Sunglasses

So apparently I have been wearing blue sunglasses and a blue hearing aide my whole life. Thinking like this may seem silly, but in fact, it is often really harmful. When people start talking about the essentials of gender, they almost always start generalizing, and that means that some people are being left out, thinking, "What about me?"

I didn't grow up playing sports. I have never been hunting, and I don't like fishing. I don't objectify females. I'm not very handy and don't particularly care for yard work. I don't make much money or work in a prestigious job. All my life, these were the models of masculinity that were endorsed by our culture. While many men fit this mold, what happens to those who don't? What about women who want some of these things? They are often persuaded to get with the program or begin to believe that there is something wrong with them.

This is why my FW and I are so passionate about these gender issues. We have seen how hurtful they can be. In addition to those awful DVDs my FW mentioned, our pre-marital counselor also gave us a really interesting personality test that we found to be pretty accurate and helpful. What we found was that my personality is much more laid back and passive, but hers is much more direct and forward. In many ways, our personalities are a great complement for each other. However, according to gender stereotypes, our personalities should be reversed. According to the blue and pink sunglasses kind of thinking, I should be the typical aggressive male, and she should be the submissive female. Then instead of seeing a real strength in how we complement each other, we would both think that neither of us are fulfilling our "correct" gender roles. This is why we get so irritated by all this nonsense. This is why I want to hyphenate my name too.

I have nothing against people who fit these gender molds, or who choose more traditional marriage roles and practices. Obviously these things have been working for many people for a long time. We just know that many of them won't work for us. We know that people may take offense to some our decisions and think that we are criticizing them. That's not what it is about to us. It is about truly honoring each other for who we really are rather than demanding that each of us be someone else determined by our culture.