How to Give Women a Name

(From the FW)

A student told me last week that her first feminist experience occurred when addressing her graduation invitations. She questioned her mom why the names were formatted "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith", not putting the woman's name anywhere.

I'm feeling the same way about our mailings. Address lists we've received from relatives are formatted the same way (kudos to my FMIL, though, who asked what we would prefer and changed the format for several of them). Even all the info I could find online leaves out the woman's name, unless her last name is different than his. To many people, it's just not an issue. It's formal, it's the way it's "always" been done. But it's an issue for us.

What to do? I asked two of my married colleagues, who had similar experiences with their wedding announcements. One of them went to the trouble of finding out every single woman's name in her groom's family, which is cool in and of itself, and adding those names to the list. Both encountered resistance from parents on cultural grounds, as well. And both chose to put the woman's name on the envelope.

I have this really intense desire not to offend the older generation. Most of my family is Southern, and take pride in all those etiquette-laden traditions. I don't begrudge them that, but I feel it wouldn't be true to who we are to leave out the woman's name. The process of becoming one does not mean I am losing myself, and that is for us reflected in the intentional choice of our name change. So I just can't bring myself to go the traditional route on this one.

And to be honest I have this hope that at least one of my older female relatives will be thankful and feel recognized. I think it's possible.

Here's how they will probably look:
Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith
(That actually sounds pretty snazzy, doesn't it?)