How to Reach Your Wedding Weight

So apparently a lot of brides go to great lengths to reach their "wedding weight," but I don't understand why they should have all of the fun. Since people tend to make New Year's Resolutions, mine is to reach my wedding weight. I won't tell you what weight that is or how much I have to lose to reach it though.

In fact, I love telling people that I am trying to lose weight even though I am not doing anything remotely close to it. It just sounds like a good thing to be doing, so even if I don't lose a pound, it is kind of fun to tell people that I am trying to make my wedding weight. It sounds like I am goal-driven and self-disciplined.

One thing that may actually help me to reach my goal is the bike I got for Christmas. My neighborhood is perfect for biking, and now my FW and I can bike everywhere. The bad part about this is that she is in much better shape than me, so I have had a hard time keeping up over the last week. In fact, after our first ride together, I almost passed out. I know it sounds really pathetic. I could list several excuses for why this happened, but it wouldn't really save me any embarrassment. Let's just say I'm not Lance Armstrong (of course, our ride wasn't exactly the Tour de France either, but there was a part where I had to go up a one inch slope).

How to Holiday, Part III

(From the B2B)

As you have probably figured out, I'm a bit of a holiday junkie. I love all the cheesy activities that surround Christmas and the magic that surrounds the season. My FH is also a lover of Christmas and all holidays.

So we're glad we've had one holiday season engaged, because it's rather complicated when you have two families involved. We're spending Christmas with our respective families (our last one apart!). But the time we've spent with family has brought up several questions, namely how we honor each family while honoring each other and the two of us as a unit.

We've been lucky in that we've both felt it easy to become a part of each other's family, and we really truly like our in-laws. But I get homesick on normal days, so I anticipate really missing my family next Christmas. And it's made me think about all the traditions we cling to and why... I freak out if the jello salad is not in the same dish every year. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter at all.

So it's been cool to talk with my FH about starting new traditions and making them memorable, while absorbing what family traditions we can. Our new tradition will include minimal cooking, we at least know that for sure.

How to Holiday (Part 2)

So my FW loves cheesy Christmas movies. She records every made for TV Christmas movie that comes on from Thanksgiving on. These movies are completely predictable, but that is part of their charm I guess.

Over the last few weeks, I have learned the basic plot lines of every successful cheesy Christmas movie. There is usually a love story that puts even the cheesiest romantic comedies to shame (for example, in the last one we watched, a thief falls in love with a cop- holiday hijinks ensue). There is often some sort of magical element because Christmas is a magical time of year (for example, in another one my FW recorded, a girl gets transported into a snow globe and falls in love- holiday hijinks ensue). Almost always someone who hates Christmas learns to love it (aka the Grinch plot). There is often a cute kid who wishes for something impossible or asks Santa for something immaterial (here is where the department store Santa tries to talk some sense into the kid without realizing that of course the real Santa has magic powers and the spirit of Christmas will in fact grant the kid his or her wish).

I must admit that I too am a sucker for these movies. I sat through one the other day where a kid asks for a new dad for Christmas- holiday dating hijinks ensue. On a related note, my FW introduced me to one of her favorite Christmas classics- Christmas in Connecticut. We also got to see the musical version of A Wonderful Life (my favorite Christmas movie) last week. It's amazing how much holiday entertainment there is out there.

How to Deal with Kids

So once most people turn about 13, the pressure is on. First, there is pressure to date. Then around 18 or so, the pressure turns up a notch to marriage. After that comes the pressure to have kids. Before my B2B and I were even engaged, people were asking us about marriage and grandchildren. My mom has wanted GC since her kids moved out. The issue came up a few times this weekend.

My B2B and I were visiting her family. I got to meet some friends of hers that have two boys. It was really fun. The kids were great. It made the whole parenting thing look fun. I have always loved kids, so I definitely want some of my own one day. We got home, and we told my FILs that we would be staying in Houston for the first two years of our marriage. They were really excited. Then my FMIL said after two years we could have a kid, and then we wouldn't want to leave. She must have been talking to my mom.

All this talk about kids had a nice bookend last night. My FW and I volunteer with the kids at our church once a month. She calls it free birth control. The kids are fun, but I am usually exhausted after about five minutes. I thought training a dog was difficult. My dog is pretty obedient at one and a half years. She is potty trained. She obeys commands (usually). Why does it take humans so much longer even though we are (supposedly) more intelligent? The point of all this is that kids are great when they belong to someone else. I love other people's kids. I don't think I am ready for my own though, so you can keep pressuring us about it, but that's the beauty of children's church. It undoes all the crazy ideas you guys put in our heads.

How to Holiday (Part 1)

So with the holidays upon us, I thought I might bring up some of the traditions we are trying to incorporate. We both really love the holidays, so this will just be one of a few posts about this subject.

One of the things that I have learned recently about my B2B is that she loves Christmas trees-- ridiculously large Christmas trees. Two weeks ago, we helped set up the tree at her parents' house. It was the biggest tree I have ever seen someone put in their living room, and it was almost as wide as it was tall. I couldn't tell which end was up when I saw it on the porch. Well, my B2B, FMIL, and I spent a good hour (at least it felt like that) hacking away at the base with a saw trying to get the trunk to fit in the tree stand. When my FFIL got there, he brought out a chisel to help, and the two of us spent at least another 30 minutes trying to chip away at the bottom of the trunk. Finally, we got it to fit, and we lugged the monstrosity into the house. About a week later, my B2B and her roommate bought a 9 foot tall tree for their 8 foot apartment. Instead of cutting it, they just let the top bend over and hung an angel from it with some string. Whoville called-- they want their tree back. Then on Friday, we went with some friends to the Bayou Bend Christmas open house. They had a tree with 2000 ornaments. I think my B2B was secretly taking notes.

I forgot to mention the lights display. My B2B and her roommate set up a bunch of lights outside their apartment. It looks like the Griswold family Christmas out there. I love that my B2B has so much Christmas spirit. It fits right in with my family who still wake up somewhere around 5AM to open presents even though all of us are over 20. Christmas traditions don't need to make sense-- that makes them even better.

How to Love People More than Ideas

So even though most of my posts consist of strings of bad jokes and rants about gender stereotypes, I decided to take a different direction today. This post is going to be a lot more serious than normal and probably a lot longer, but I think it is important here to say what is on my heart. We will return to your regularly scheduled programming later.

I am not going to pretend like my relationship with God is particularly close or that I have all the answers. Quite honestly, my relationship with God is mostly me walking blindly through life with occasional moments of clarity and peace interspersed in plenty of frustration and anger and hurt. I have plenty of issues with Christianity in case that wasn't totally obvious from everything I have been saying on this blog. However, God has been speaking to me this week, and when God speaks, it is pretty hard to miss-- mostly because He repeats things a lot just to make sure I got the point.

Last week, I watched this brilliant movie, Children of Men. One of the major themes is what happens in a world where people lose all hope, where they are completely disconnected from each other and can only cling to ideas. It isn't pretty. The movie made me think a lot about how often I put ideas above people. As I was thinking about all this, the people in my life really came through for me in amazing ways. I have felt so loved this last week. Thank you all for that. My FW and I were talking about all this on our date night this week, and it was interesting to see that we were both in similar places on this issue (as we usually are because we were made for each other). When we went to see our premarital counselor on Tuesday, he really confirmed all of this. He constantly emphasizes that love is the most important part of life, more important than beliefs and ideologies. Jesus was about love. The people he criticized were the ones who thought they had life figured out. This morning a final confirmation of this message came when I realized that a friend had been hurt by all the ideologies that I and others throw around so freely without taking the time to make sure people are loved.

As I think about it, I realize that many people have probably been hurt by my beliefs. I try not to be offensive with what I believe, but some of it comes across very strongly. I just want to clarify that the things I believe in are all about loving and valuing people for who they are. That is what Christianity is about. That is what feminism is about. That is why I sometimes get so strident about these issues. The real issue that I sometimes lose sight of is that people are more important than ideologies. Fortunately, I have God and wonderful people in my life that can keep reminding me of this.

With all that being said, I want to say that I am really sorry if what I say on this blog or in real life makes people feel attacked or defensive or hurt. That's not what this is about. I sometimes attack ideas without thinking about how it might hurt people who value those ideas. So even if you think my ideas about last names are stupid, I still love you, and you are still invited to the wedding, and I still want you in my life. I value you and your opinions (even if I disagree with them).

How to Celebrate

So I really want to thank everyone who made it out to the engagement party on Saturday. We were overwhelmed at the number of people that have shown their love and support. People drove in from Austin and Dallas, but even the people from Houston had to drive a good thirty minutes at least. Our hosts are glad that nothing was broken in a drunken rage, so kudos to everyone for that.

I have realized over the last couple of months how important friends and family are to the whole marriage thing. Your encouragement and advice (even if we don't follow it) have meant so much to us. We feel very blessed to have so many genuine supporters. It was a little overwhelming to see so many of you in one place this weekend. I didn't even get to talk to some of you guys.

For those of you who were there, you can see that one of our problems now is how to find a place to accommodate so many people because we are expecting quite a few for the wedding. We thought we had worked all of that out, but we ran into a bit of a problem with the wedding venue. We will keep you updated as we try to work that out. In my opinion, it is a great problem to have because it means we are getting a lot of love. So here's to all of you who make this process even more amazing.

How to Plan a Honeymoon

So honeymoons have been a part of wedding celebrations since the 1500's, and it is certainly something I am looking forward to. Trying to find the right spot can be a bit of a challenge. There are so many choices.

We set a couple of ground rules before we started looking for potential places. First, we wanted to stay within the United States. Mainly, we didn't want the stress of overseas travel, combined with an increased chance of getting sick. Second, we decided that we couldn't go anywhere touristy. We wanted to be able to spend the entire week without the pressure of sightseeing. This was another reason to stay in the U.S. because if we had gone to another country, we would have wanted to experience the culture and see the sights. Third, we wanted beaches because we both like them. Fourth, we wanted a place that wasn't going to be packed with people.

We ended up choosing a place that is a little bit off the beaten path, called Jekyll Island. You probably haven't even heard of it, which is one of the reasons we like it. It isn't overdone, and you all know how we like going against the grain. It has beaches, and it isn't overdeveloped. Most importantly, the room we booked is awesome. We don't really plan on leaving it much. I am now laughing as I picture the face you just made.

How to Give Women a Name

(From the FW)

A student told me last week that her first feminist experience occurred when addressing her graduation invitations. She questioned her mom why the names were formatted "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith", not putting the woman's name anywhere.

I'm feeling the same way about our mailings. Address lists we've received from relatives are formatted the same way (kudos to my FMIL, though, who asked what we would prefer and changed the format for several of them). Even all the info I could find online leaves out the woman's name, unless her last name is different than his. To many people, it's just not an issue. It's formal, it's the way it's "always" been done. But it's an issue for us.

What to do? I asked two of my married colleagues, who had similar experiences with their wedding announcements. One of them went to the trouble of finding out every single woman's name in her groom's family, which is cool in and of itself, and adding those names to the list. Both encountered resistance from parents on cultural grounds, as well. And both chose to put the woman's name on the envelope.

I have this really intense desire not to offend the older generation. Most of my family is Southern, and take pride in all those etiquette-laden traditions. I don't begrudge them that, but I feel it wouldn't be true to who we are to leave out the woman's name. The process of becoming one does not mean I am losing myself, and that is for us reflected in the intentional choice of our name change. So I just can't bring myself to go the traditional route on this one.

And to be honest I have this hope that at least one of my older female relatives will be thankful and feel recognized. I think it's possible.

Here's how they will probably look:
Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith
(That actually sounds pretty snazzy, doesn't it?)

How to Choose Floral Arrangements

So last weekend, I was at my FW's parents' house when I was asked if I wanted to help with floral arrangements. Before you start to question my masculinity, keep in mind that I believe gender stereotypes are both stupid and harmful. Besides, since I am marrying a woman who likes getting flowers, it is in my best interest to know what kind of flowers she likes. Over the last year or so, I have learned more about flowers than I ever cared to know. It doesn't do much for my ability in choosing the best looking floral arrangements, but at least now I know what the flowers in them are called.

As I have probably mentioned before, my FW's mom is a wedding planner, and she has a variety of flower choices already purchased and ready to arrange. In fact, she has boxes full of fake flowers of almost every imaginable variety and color. My FSIL (future sister-in-law) just got married in March and used purple arrangements, so our first task was to sort those flowers back into their respective crates to make room for the new ones that we would be considering. I assumed that this task would be fairly simple, but we ended up with over twenty piles of different white and purple flowers that we then methodically placed into boxes. I was actually pretty efficient with this task. I told my FW that it was because of my biochemistry background-- it makes me good at classifying things. It reminded me of my high school biology leaf project.

Now, I am much better at multiple choice options than at infinite choice options, and as I have already established, I have little to no taste when it comes to clothing or fashion or decorating. Since my FW knows me so well, she mentioned that if I would rather watch TV than try to help picking out and placing each flower, that I could help once they had something more definite. This sounded like a wonderful idea to me, so I went downstairs and watched football (maybe not football-- I can't really remember what I watched-- but football helps balance out all this flower business). Meanwhile, my FW and FMIL (future mother-in-law) worked on a possible arrangement. When they were done, they asked me what I thought. I really liked it, and then I helped them pick out what greenery should go with it. Since there were only about three or four choices, this part was pretty easy.

So there you have it. I actually helped pick out floral arrangements. Is that progressive or what?

How to Ask Kids to Be in Your Wedding

(From the FW)

When I was little, there was always someone younger and cuter than me running around, so I never got picked to be a flower girl. It's a little like how I imagine it would feel to be picked last for a playground team... although I never actually experienced that because I was homeschooled. Anyway, I digress. In college, I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding who made me an honorary flower girl in her wedding. It was all I ever hoped it would be.

When my sister got married in March, our 20 year old cousin was feeling left out because her brother was an usher and the other cousins were little and in the wedding. The ring bearer got sick a few days before the wedding so my sister decided to make her the ring bearer, and the three of us had a definite girl power geek-out moment about it. Unfortunately, the ring bearer made a miraculous recovery and she was demoted. We've got two little boys in our wedding so my grown-up cousin can't be our ring-bearer, but we're thinking maybe usher or candle-lighter or something.

My two little cousins were excited to be asked (especially since I buttered them up with a gift just before). The ring-bearer, however, explained that he would not be getting his tux from the same place, as it was too short in my sister's wedding and everyone could see his socks.

My FH's two little "cousins" were also excited. They adore him. And really want to be in a wedding. A few months after my fiance and I started dating, I met these kids and one of them asked if we were going to get married. As I had placed a six month ban on any sort of marriage talk, I made the situation pretty awkward by wiggling in my seat and looking away. It turns out she just wanted to be in a wedding, and that's all she cared about.

And by the way, my FH's dog will not be walking down the aisle, so no snarky comments about including her in the ceremony...

So if you've got ideas for the following, let me know:
1) Job for my 22 year old girl cousin
2) Something besides a pillow for the ring-bearer to carry
3) Something for the second boy to carry

How to "Save the Date" Environmentally

So it seems like everyone sends out Save the Date cards now, but I had never really even learned about this until a few years ago. For those of you who are in the dark like I was, a Save the Date is basically a pre-invitation to a wedding. It tells you when and where the wedding are months in advance, so you can mark your calendars and make travel arrangements. I will spare you a Save the Date rant (tempting as it is) because there are too many other things to talk about.

We decided that we want to be environmentally responsible about all this, so we are sending electronic Save the Dates. Unfortunately, a large number of my relatives have no Internet access even in the year 2007, so there will have to be some exceptions. Don't be offended if you don't get one in the mail; you are saving a tree. We are also currently trying to pick out 100% recycled wedding invitations. Also, don't be offended when yours doesn't come in two envelopes with tissue paper; we care more about trees than etiquette.

As an update to some previous posts, I have finally gotten a hold of all of my groomsmen. Sorry if you were crossing your fingers to fill that last spot. It's nothing personal. I also regret to inform you that I must now put my foot in my mouth. You really can stop reading now because what I am about to say is of no consequence. After all my bragging about my rocking immune system, I got sick on Saturday evening. It was nothing major. I am feeling better now, but my immune system did have a minor hiccup. It won't happen again... knock on wood.

How to Build Your Immune System

So you may be thinking from the title of this post that it has nothing to do with weddings or engagement. You're right. My FW has been sick most of the week with a cold, so I have been trying to nurse her back to health. She has been worried that she is going to make me sick, but that is impossible because my immune system rocks. I know many of you have probably been catching whatever bug is going around, so I thought I might share my secret to a rocking immune system (for 5 easy payments of $10.99).

First, I have never bought in to flu shots. I won't go into a rant about it, but I think they are a waste of money. Trust me on this. I have a degree in biochemistry. Incidentally, I love throwing that out whenever a scientific question gets asked. It makes it sound like I really know what I am talking about even though I never took a class in public health or immunology.

Second, I am not into a lot of preventive medicine. I don't take vitamins, herbal supplements, zinc lozenges, or any of that stuff. I am not against these practices. I would probably be a healthier person if I did take all this stuff, but I would rather spend my money on something more worthwhile than my health, like DVDs and vanilla frappuccinos (this is not an endorsement for Starbucks or any other corrupt corporations that rape and pillage developing nations).

My secret is quite simple. I taught public school for three years and have taught at UH for the last year and a half. Teaching is the number one immune system builder on earth. Granted, you will be sick for almost your entire first year (especially if you teach really little kids- they are little germ volcanoes). After you make it through the first year though, you will have been exposed to every major G-rated communicable disease. There are a few side effects I should warn you about. Teaching can cause a loss of hearing, temporary or permanent insanity, and stomach ulcers. Do not try teaching while operating heavy machinery. If you experience shortness of breath due to excessive yelling or hyperventilating, contact a physician immediately.

How to Find the Right Groomspeople

So my FW does not like the term bridesmaid. She decided to give each of her "bridesmaids" a unique title, eschewing the traditional terminology. I don't really have a problem with the term groomsmen unless I had a female attendant. I guess groomsperson is more gender neutral. Actually, I like the sound of that - groomsperson. It sounds so personal and friendly, not at all pretentious and sterile. Wow, I almost choked on my own sarcasm.

Okay, so I am really getting off course here. My point today was to talk about how to find the right people to be in your wedding. I am probably not the best person to talk to about this because while my FW asked her bridespeople to be in the wedding before we even got engaged, I have yet to ask one of my groomsmen. Also, I haven't seen my brother in about a month because he is out saving the world (yeah...). This doesn't bode well.

The Knot has some wonderful advice for choosing attendants... if you are a robot. It gives you all these criteria for judging how well someone might fulfill their duties. Are they responsible? Are they punctual? Will they dress appropriately? These are all wonderful things, but isn't the most important question - do you like this person? The other stuff can at least be faked for a day. I think even my brother can handle that.

The fact is that it was really hard for me to choose 5 people. There are really no rules for this. Some people have their parents and even members of the opposite sex standing with them. How long should you have known the person? What kind of relationship do you have now? Does that matter? What if they live far away and can't really attend most of the wedding/planning stuff? Does THAT matter? (I mean how much do they really do anyway?) Then there is the whole usher thing. You can ask other friends to be your ushers, but you don't want them to feel less important than the groomsmen. It's like you are being forced to judge your friends... to their face and in front of 300 people. That's just not cool.

While I am ranting about this subject, who came up with the term "Best Man." Isn't it a little arrogant? I believe Jerry Seinfeld said it best when he said, "If he's the best man, why isn't the bride marrying him? Shouldn't it be the groom and a pretty good man?" I agree. "Best Man" is far too judgmental of a term. Plus, it gives connotations that this person is the epitome of masculinity. I have been a "Best Man" before, so I can assure you that this is not the case. "Best Person" is even worse sounding even though it is gender-neutral. It's like putting a target on someone's back. Those are expectations no one can live up to. I am clearly over-analyzing here, but if you are still reading this blog, you have come to expect that.

So here's to our "Groomspeople" and "Bridespersons" to our "Best Persons" and "People of Honor." We love you all and couldn't do this without you, even you Kevin.

How to Become a Marriage Expert

So we had a conversation the other day with some friends of ours about some good books to read about marriage. Unfortunately, we have found very few that we like. As we discussed the other day, most books on marriage seem to be of the Martian men/Venusian women type. I think that those books might be better if they were in fact loaded on a space shuttle to Mars.

One thing about contemporary feminism that I really like is that it questions gender roles that are often seen as inherent and/or (in Christian subcultures) divinely-instituted. I can't count the number of times that I have heard statements that begin like, "The Biblical role of women is...," or "Real men don't...." The problem with these kind of statements is that they are reductive and generalizing and they rarely convey actual truth. I am not saying that the Bible doesn't provide some Biblical roles for women, but I haven't yet found the verse that says or even implies that all women must stay at home with their children rather than work.

Most of these ideas are cultural, but I am not saying that they lack any merit or semblance of truth. Some women like raising children more than working, wonderful. Is that simply because that extra X chromosome gives them a more nurturing personality? I highly doubt it. Neither does a Y chromosome automatically make a man addicted to pornography nor does it cause boys to prefer GIJoe over Barbie.

Anyway, back to my point. It seems like anyone can just write a book about gender, sexuality, and/or marriage now. They can also conduct their own surveys to prove their points. Christian marriage experts will even quote the Bible out of context to back their points. One of the most popular Christian writers right now repeatedly uses illustrations from about five different popular movies to prove that all men are basically wilderness-lovers deep down. If that isn't substantial proof that all men like the outdoors, I don't know what is, and what if women like the outdoors? Does that make them less feminine? I think now I am going to write a book about marriage. I have no experience with it and have done research by reading a couple of books and watching some romantic comedies. I also have talked to some of my married friends, and I have even read Song of Solomon. Surely this makes me as qualified as most marriage experts right?

Disclaimer: I am not a marriage expert. The only thing I am an expert on is putting my foot in my mouth, which will probably be occurring shortly after writing today's blog.

How to Homecome

So Homecoming is this really big deal in Texas. I remember in high school, girls would wear these outrageous mums (giant flowers) with yards of ribbon streaming from them along with assorted glittery accessories. This is further proof that Texas is like a foreign country. Anyway, when I got to college I realized that Homecoming is not just for high schoolers. Apparently Baylor thinks that Homecoming celebrations are worth spending an ungodly amount of money on too.

Well, I bought into the hype. I have been to every Baylor Homecoming since my freshman year, even if just for the football game (which is always atrocious). This year I got to bring my FW along for her first taste of the hoopla. Here is a brief list (with commentary) of all the major Baylor Homecoming events:

1.) Homecoming Extravaganza - a mini-carnival with reunion tents and a ferris wheel (yes, a ferris wheel)

2.) Bonfire - a Pep Rally minus the pep and plus the giant bonfire (this year's featured burning Texas Tech T's which really looked like burning crosses - classy)

3.) the most ginormous Homecoming parade on earth - This is a fact. Baylor's Greeks build elaborate floats to compete for cool prizes. (The average cost of this float is probably more than a year's tuition at Baylor and the prize is that about 20 people get really excited for a few minutes.)

4.) Last but not least, and I must credit my best friend for identifying this time honored Baylor tradition - losing - Homecoming culminates in an embarrassing football game where the alumni remember why they never went to the games as students

Well, my FW got to experience all the glory of Baylor. She was highly amused by most of it. Her favorite part was the Baylor Bookstore (which more closely resembles a department store now) where we witnessed a piano concerto (really it was just praise and worship music by a piano major) in the middle of the clothing section. We found it very entertaining in an unintentional comedic sort of way. It almost rivals the operatic singing of the Lord's Prayer at my last Homecoming Pep Rally.

I guess I could sum this all up by making some poignant statement about the course my life has taken and how my engagement puts a new perspective on everything, but that just wouldn't be my style. I really just couldn't think of anything to write about, and Baylor is an easy target.

How to Become a Feminist

So this past weekend, my FW and I traveled to Waco for my college homecoming. She got to meet some of my college friends (something to talk about in a later post), and she got to see a glimpse of a major part of my life. While we were there, one of my friends mentioned that I haven't yet talked about how my FW became a feminist. Well, that is a story she will have to tell you. However, since I have dedicated so much time to discussing how to become the boyfriend or fiance of a feminist, I figured I should talk about ways you too can become a real-life, honest-to-goodness feminist.

First, there are a variety of feminist training courses that are good places to begin. Among the most popular are: We Got the Vote - So NOW What?, Bra Burning for Beginners, Feminist Manifesto Writing, and Protesting Patriarchy.

Second, you must adopt feminist fashions. You can start by growing out your arm pit hair and cutting your hair short/shaving your head. I also advise buying some killer pantsuits, NOT pink.

Third, register with the national feminist database.

Fourth, attend a NOW meeting.

Fifth, convert at least one man into a house husband. Alternately, you can verbally assault five men that open doors for you, or you can go on a cooking and cleaning strike for forty days.

Sixth, vote for Hillary Clinton.

After these six steps, you will officially be a feminist stereotype. If you want to be a real feminist, you just have to believe that people are equal regardless of gender and should be treated as such. Really, that's all. You can still be a housewife, a secretary, or a waitress. Even men can join in on the fun.

Oh yeah, my FW would be upset if I didn't make this disclaimer. You do NOT have to vote for Hillary. Also, in case this isn't totally obvious, the opinions of this blogger are in no way indicative of actual feminist ideologies.

How to Let People Know You Are Engaged

So when a couple gets engaged, the woman gets a ring. It is an automatic symbol of her commitment. It says, "I am getting married." The man doesn't get anything like that, but I want people to know that I am engaged too. How do I go about that?

Here are a few ideas that I have had:

1.) A man-gagement ring - A man-gagement ring is like the male equivalent of an engagement ring. There is a problem though. If a man is seen wearing a ring on his left hand, people will assume he is married rather than engaged. If he wears a ring elsewhere, no one will care. Here is my solution. The ring can be worn on the right ring finger, but it has to stand out so people will ask what it is. To do that, it has to be even bigger and bolder than a male class ring, which we all know is quite a feat. I am thinking it would have to be something that would make Jay-Z cry.

2.) An engagement shirt - The man could wear a t-shirt everyday that says, "Sorry ladies, I'm taken." This sends the really important message in a polite and apologetic way. There are two problems. One, it is just too blunt. Some women might see this and start crying because they realize they have no chance. Guys see an engagement ring and still think they have a chance (yeah right). The other problem is that you would need several shirts or just do laundry everyday. Also, what if you have to dress professionally - an engagement tie?

3.) An engagement tattoo - This could be done in several ways, a tattooed ring around the left ring finger in classic barb wire style, a heart with initials on the left bicep, or a stamp that says, "Property of _________." All of these are creative and elegant options, but tattoos are so common, that if you are already tatted-up, what are you supposed to do?

These are all the ideas I have so far, but I would really like to know what ideas you guys might have.

How to Find "the" Dress

(From the FW)

So I bought a wedding dress. I'm telling you this because I wanted to let you know about this great organization called Brides Against Breast Cancer. They creatively raise money to help grant wishes to women who are terminally ill with breast cancer. Among other things, they accept donated gowns, either worn previously or given by designers/boutiques, and sell them at large events across the country. So I wanted to start looking for a dress because they had an event in Dallas. The best part is, 100% of the proceeds go to making a wish, as far as I understand.

Sadly, I did not find my dress at this event... not because they didn't have beautiful, quality gowns, but because I'm picky. I do hope to eventually donate my gown to the organization. And there are other ways to support them, including Quilters Against Breast Cancer, Pink Envelope showers and receptions, and volunteering at their events.

And just a short feminist commentary on wedding dresses...

For a long time I struggled with expressing my own femininity because I didn't want to be put in a box. But if wearing a fancy dress on my wedding day is what I want, and not what I'm told to do, then why not?

How to Build a Wedsite

So ever since Al Gore invented the Internet, people all over the world have given us way too much access to their personal lives. We now have WebCam diaries, YouTube proposals, and thousands of rambling blogs (excluding this one of course). Self-expression and self-indulgence have reached new highs, and although clearly I am no expert on either of those subjects, my FW and I decided to create a wed-site to better inform our guests about really important wedding information.

For those of you who are only reading this page because someone else logged in for you (I'm talking to you grandma), you may be unaware of the variety of information available on the Web. Wed-sites are customized web pages where couples can post information, maps, and pictures. Some sites even have RSVP capability. My FW and I thought it would be a shame not to keep our guests updated, so we have started putting together a wed-site with only the most crucial information you need. Make no mistake, this wed-site is serious business. It is not just an excuse for us to put up cute pictures of ourselves and tell you about all our favorite things. We would never use our upcoming marriage as a sad attempt at getting attention. We are above that sort of pathetic behavior. So keep a lookout for our upcoming wed-site. Browse each section. Sign the guestbook, or don't sign the guestbook - we don't need any cheap affirmation.

How to Choose a Last Name

So one of the most popular questions we get asked is whether or not my FW is going to take my name. I never realized how important this subject was to people. It's like the future of humanity will be determined by the last name that my FW goes by. I think it was Romeo who said, "What's in a name?" (Yes, I just quoted Shakespeare in a blog post). I just don't see what the big deal is. Maybe you guys could explain it to me.

Well, I didn't really want to bring up the subject much while we were just dating because of my FW's ban on marriage talk. When I would tell people (especially my family) that my girlfriend was a feminist, they would immediately ask about the name change. Since we hadn't been dating long, this confirmed to me that my family is basically nuts. I used to just tell them that I didn't really know, but I thought she might keep her last name (at least professionally) which was fine with me. Here's the thing though. There is something special about sharing a last name. I guess in some ways it is symbolic of spiritual unity. As progressive and boundary breaking as we are, we decided to go ahead and try for the same last name (except professionally - deal with it).

This gave us a few options. One, we could hyphenate our last names, but this an article we read by a feminist who had done so convinced us otherwise. I mean, what would our grandchildren's last names be (assuming they too marry the children of a couple as gender-conscious as us)? Two, we could combine our last name into a new one, and while Kerrly has a nice ring to it... actually, no it doesn't. Three, we could just abandon our last names and choose a brand new one, our favorite was Katsopolis (like Uncle Jesse on Full House). Don't laugh, that is still in the running.

I think we decided to go with option four. My FW will use her last name as a second middle name while taking my last name. I will also add her last name as a second middle name (assuming that is possible in the state of Texas), and our kids will all have it as a second middle name. We think it will really start to catch on and soon oppressive patriarchal systems all over the world will crumble.

How to Play "The Game"

So I am not smooth at all. I have no moves, no lines, no game, and virtually no dating experience (until I met my FW). None of this bodes well for someone on the dating scene, especially a small town boy in the big city. On top of this, I had never dated a feminist before. I wondered whether I should open doors for her (I do) and whether I should plan every date and pay for every date (after we became exclusive, we started sharing those duties). Here are some of my basic dating philosophies for the 21st century. Hey, they actually worked for me.

1.) Be honest. You don't have to tell your deepest darkest secrets on the first date, but if you want a relationship that is going anywhere, you should be honest from the beginning. Relationships are hard, but I know that my FW loves the real me because I don't pretend to be someone else. Don't be afraid to let the inner-dork shine through (in my case, my FW finds it strangely charming most of the time).

2.) Be romantic. If you aren't capable, find ideas on the Internet or watch a few romantic comedies. They can be cheesy, but there is a fine line between romantic and cheesy (and I cross it every day).

3.) Be considerate. Ask her about herself. Go on dates she would like. I have been to the ballet, the opera, and contemporary dance performances. These are not my typical weekend activities, but I know how much my FW likes dance. She enjoys these things so much, that it makes them more enjoyable for me. She has even gone to Astros games and sat through a couple action movies with me (which she ended up enjoying too).

Just in case you need a few lines though, here are some that may help woo a feminist:

- [Drop a packet of Equal sweetener in front of her.] Excuse me you dropped your name tag.
- Drop that zero and get with the liberated male.
- I lost my number... and my preconceived sexist notions.
- Do your feet hurt because you have been stomping on patriarchal constructions in my mind all day.

And finally:

- (Not to be used with Christian feminists) Your domestic sphere or mine?

How to Choose a Ring

So I have virtually no fashion sense. I am known to occasionally dress like an old man. My FW is helping me to improve, but some taste just can't be taught. I know that a lot of couples go ring shopping together, but we decided to go a little more traditional, with me buying it on my own.

My FW did give me two guidelines: the diamond had to be conflict-free (a no-brainer really) and the band had to be white gold (my preference as well). I had heard that there was something called the four C's (cut, carat, color, and clarity), but I didn't know what they were. Equipped with my ignorance and old-man-taste, I braved the world of internet diamond shopping.

First off, I have to say that online shopping is the way to go. There is less overhead, fewer middlemen (or middlewomen), greater selection, no taxes, and most surprising, more security. It didn't take me long to find a ring... a ring that only an old lady would wear (as my FW's best friends informed me). My brother could have told me the same thing but had decided to keep that information to himself. I tried again, and chose another old-lady diamond.

Here was my problem (besides my old-man-taste). I didn't want to go with the usual round or princess (square) cut. I wanted something simple and elegant but not typical, something that echoed the uniqueness and beauty of my fiancee. I finally found the perfect cut, a radiant cut diamond (similar to a princess-cut, but rectangular). Since radiant is one of my favorite adjectives I use to describe my FW, this seemed like a perfect match.

I was a little nervous ordering the ring because all I had was a picture, but I knew the site was reliable and that I could always send it back if it wasn't what I expected. When it came in the mail, I was so excited. It was perfect. I had it for a week and a half before the proposal, and I kept looking at it (feel free to make fun of me). My FW loves it, so that is what really matters, but I really owe a lot to the people who helped me pick it out.

How to Take Engagement Pictures

So yesterday, my FW and I took our engagement pictures. If you haven't been following the crazy planning checklist, let me recap. We have been engaged for one week, and we have already: booked a time and location for the ceremony and reception, begun creating a guest list, started looking for a location for the rehearsal dinner (as well as creating a preliminary guest list for that), taken engagement pictures, and one other big thing that I will let my fiancee tell you guys about (hint: I didn't participate in this part of the process). At this rate, we should have the whole thing planned by Thanksgiving.

Taking pictures was fun, but I started to get a little tired at the end. I smile all the time, but I can only pose for so long. My sister was our photographer, and she is awesome. Some of the pictures were really great. My favorite part was probably getting in the giant fountain at UH because I have wanted to do it ever since I first saw the thing. The bad part is that I ruined my cell phone by getting it wet, so I have to go buy a new one tomorrow. That's why I haven't called you back (even if you left a message two weeks ago, yeah that's the ticket).

Wow, I almost finished this post without discussing feminism. Well, here's something to ponder. In some of the pictures, I was carrying my FW (physically I mean, we all know she's the one that does the heavy lifting in the photogenic department). I think it would have been kind of cool if we had taken some pictures of her carrying me though, you know for the sake of gender equality.

How a Dog Complicates Things

So I am dogsitting for a friend this weekend, and dogs are really on my mind right now. I have a female black lab who is a year and a half old. She is really sweet but also half-insane, and even though she loves my FW, she can get pretty jealous.

Before I even tell you about how my dog has fit into this relationship, I should give you a few facts about her. She weighs 65 pounds but still thinks she is a lap dog. She is afraid of vacuum cleaners, brooms, ironing boards, and leaves. She knows she isn't supposed to jump on people, but that has never stopped her (at best she hops in a circle around the person). She eats everything she finds on the ground that fits in her mouth, including cigarette butts and rotten banana peels. A few weeks ago, I was laying on the couch and called her. She hurdled the coffee table and landed on top of me (yeah because that's what I wanted her to do). I could go on, but I assume you get the point.

Needless to say, my dog has caused a little tension in our relationship. On our second date, when my FW met the dog, it almost ripped her dress, and she kept interrupting our first DTR (defining the relationship - those talks everyone loves). When we watch movies together on the couch she finds a way to obstruct my FW's vision without fail. Actually, the first time we ever sat on the couch together, she tried to sit in between us (even thought she is not allowed on the couch). She also loves to wrap us in her leash (which sort of defeats the purpose if she is trying to get between us).

All of this is meant to preface this one statement. Don't expect us to have kids anytime soon.

How I Knew He Was the One

Well I couldn't let my FH have all the fun. (FH=future husband for those of you unfamiliar with the vernacular of wedding blogs, like I was until very recently). So I'm contributing too... this is an equal relationship, right?

Some of you might be a little confused about the chronology of all this, let me explain.

Yes, I told my FH I wanted to marry him about one month before he proposed. How does that work? I have to back up...

When we first started dating, I announced I did not want an exclusive relationship. I'm not really sure what I meant by that, but it felt like a good way to put off committing to anyone. I didn't last long, and we soon became an item, and had the DTR about what to call each other (he said I could call him "boyfriend," unless there was a more gender neutral term I preferred :).

Shortly after that, I told him I didn't even want to hear the word marriage in any context for a minimum of six months, and then I didn't want to make a decision about it until we'd been together for at least one year. You may at this point be thinking I'm a total commitment-phobe, but if you know me I move slowly and think things through and wait for the right timing, so it just made sense to me.

So, this summer my FH flew out to Atlanta where I was doing research and drove back with me to Texas. Somewhere in that really long car ride I told him that I wanted him to be the one to bring up marriage first, if he ever wanted to bring it up (this was at 8 months). Of course, I was bringing it up first in starting this conversation. So we talked about talking about marriage, and decided we weren't ready to even talk about it, and that was that.

Over the summer my now fiance dropped some pretty large hints. OK, they weren't hints, they were declarations. "I want this relationship to end in marriage," and things like that. I was more freaked out than flattered at the time... not because of him but because I was wrestling with myself in a lot of areas. And that needed to happen.

At the end of the summer, I had a change of heart and told him I was ready to talk about marriage... Actually I said I was ready to explore the possibility of marriage, but conversation topics like engagement and weddings were off the list. Marriage is so much more than those thing, so I didn't want to get swept up in the other stuff before we talked about the hard stuff. That's when we decided to go through !0 Great Dates Before You Say I Do, which is geared for seriously dating couples who are thinking about marriage (and also engaged couples). It was fun and practical and I kept discovering that we were even more perfect for each other than I thought. We also went through pre-engagement counseling of sorts (it may sound weird, but it's a Godsend to begin digging up your issues before you dive into marriage).

But what it really all came down to is that I knew I loved him, more deeply than I ever could have imagined. And I was so sure of his love for me. He told me that he would wait for me. That gave me total freedom to take the time and really be sure. I went home to visit my family over Labor Day weekend and spent the whole time thinking and praying and feeling, and at the end of the weekend I had this total peace that he was the one, that God meant for us to be together. I journaled about all the reasons I was sure and filled up six pages. This was 3 weeks shy of one year.

Since I'm all about waiting for the right moment, I waited until Thursday and took him to the park where we exchanged our first "I love you." Then I told him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, that I was really sure. He was ecstatic, to say the least.

So about one month later, he popped the question and presented me with a beautiful, conflict-free diamond ring in a candle-lit proposal in the most symbolic place. And that's how it happened.

How to Pick a Reception Venue

So as some of you may know already, my fiancee and I have already been planning a little bit. I don't know if all feminists are as intense at planning as my fiancee, but she had a spreadsheet of places to check the day after she told me she wanted to marry me. About a month ago, we spent a couple of afternoons checking out some of these places. (In case it isn't obvious yet, I will not be one of those guys who just sits on the couch while my fiancee plans the entire wedding.)

We narrowed our choices down to three from the original spreadsheet. One of the places we decided against charged $30,000. Let's just say that we couldn't budget that. The three we visited were more in our price range.

Here are some of the highlights of our two afternoons.

One of the places we visited is a historic theater. We thought it just sounded like a really cool place to have a reception given our affinity for the arts (and my fiancee's affinity for history). It had carpet on the walls. Picture it if you can. This wasn't the kind of historic vibe we were going for. Oh, the other bonus was that there was no parking lot, so they shared a lot with Planned Parenthood. I can't quite picture my Catholic relatives being too excited about parking there.

We also checked out the local Czech center, even though neither of us are Czech. We did have fun coming up with a new last name that sounded Czech though. My fiancee says it reminded her of a fancy, old European hotel. I have to take her word for it because I have never been to Europe, and it didn't remind me of any place I have stayed in Mexico, which is the only international travel I have done. There was an awesome chandelier in the room, but I hated the carpet. It also had classical art on the walls. I love classical art... in museums.

The first place we visited was the one we ended up choosing. It was perfect for us. The place is beautiful. It looks like a Mediterranean villa. It gives us a lot of room for creativity, and the people there were really flexible (not in a yoga way, which incidentally is something my fiancee teaches). I would include a link, but I don't want you to know how much we spent. Just picture a nice Italian home, with tables, flowers, dancing, cake, and other wedding reception stuff.

We have had the place booked for a few weeks now, which is why we already have a date for the wedding. Did I mention my fiancee is a big time planner?

How to Meet a Feminist

You might be wondering, how does one meet a feminist, or perhaps more importantly, how does one ask a feminist out on a date? Once again, I can't give you any hard fast rules, but I will share my experience.

My FW (future wife) and I met last August. I had just started attending this church in Houston that she had been attending for about two years. I was looking for a small group in the area, and in early July, my brother and I attended one that was about to split. After the split, we decided to try the new group. My FW also was looking for a new small group because she had just moved to the central Houston area. We both happened to go on the night that the new group started.

Now, I must point out that I was not simply trolling the small group for dates, and I certainly did not think that I would meet anyone like my FW. When I walked in, my FW was the one of the first people I talked to. I was immediately intrigued. I mean, it's not everyday you meet a Christian feminist who also happens to be gorgeous. I found out that she too was in grad school at UH and was new to the small group. That night, the group was huge, so the leaders decided another immediate split would be neccesary to keep the groups small. I was just really hoping to end up in the same group as this woman I had just met (so was she I came to find out).

We ended up in the same group, and about a month later after school had just started, my FW suggested that we carpool to school on Thursdays. This was her not so subtle way of letting me know she was interested, but I am clueless and assumed she just wanted to carpool. Of course, to do so, I had to leave for school three hours early and drive about 15 minutes out of my way. She didn't know that until later. Of course, she kept dropping hints that she was interested, and I kept being oblivious while trying to play it cool, which is impossible (as those of you who know me can attest).

About a month into the carpooling, my FW and her roommate threw a housewarming party. I went and made my special salsa, a surefire date-getter. I was still shuffling my feet at this point, but I had finally picked up on a few of the signals she was sending me, and I wanted to just go for it. She unfortunately thought that I was interested in one of her friends at the party, but I was only being nice because she was friends with my FW. She had pretty much given up hope that I was going to ask her out, but the next morning, I called her to ask her out... for the very next night. This was a bad idea for two reasons, one- the short notice, and two- my FW is NOT a morning person. Well, miracles happen, and she agreed to go out one week later.

On that first date, she told me that she wasn't interested in an exclusive dating relationship. I told her that was fine, but I wasn't interested in dating anyone else. Apparently that was a really smooth move because after about two weeks we were exclusive. The rest is history (or herstory if you prefer).

So there you have it, that's how you meet and begin dating a feminist.

How to Propose to a Feminist

You might be wondering, how does one propose to a feminist? Well, I can't give you any hard fast rules, but I can tell you how I did it.

Monday is our weekly date night. For the last ten weeks, we have been going through a book (we really like books) called Ten Great Dates Before You Say I Do. It has all sorts of topics to discuss about planning a marriage and family. I highly recommend it. Anyway, we were finishing the final chapter, so I told my fiancee that I wanted to do something special for that night. We ended up going to the restaurant we went to on our first date out. While we were there, some friends of ours were setting up some stuff for me in the art gallery (sanctuary for those of you who haven't been) of our church (feminists can love Jesus too). This was my second choice of location, but it was raining, so I couldn't do it at the park like I had originally planned.

Dinner went faster than planned, so when I called them from the bathroom, they weren't ready and asked me to stall for about 20 minutes. I went back to the table and told my fiancee that I just wanted to sit and talk for a little while. Then I asked her a bunch of questions about the book to stall for more time. After a while, we headed over to the church.

When we got there, we parked in the back as usual, but when I checked my text messages, my friend had told me to come in the front. At this point my fiancee was already extremely suspicious because I am not sly at all, and by the time we pulled around front, she was pretty sure what was really going on. As we walked up to the building, there were some people out front in the courtyard swing dancing. It was pretty wet outside, so my fiancee thought it was a little odd that they would be dancing there. In reality, they were using the sanctuary until our friends kicked them out.

When you walk into the building where our church meets, there is a coffee shop that is open all week. You have to go through part of the coffee shop to get to the church. Our friends that helped set up were in there along with a few others that just happened to be there that night. I told my fiancee that we weren't there for coffee and took her into the sanctuary.

The lights were all off, and there were candles lit all around the stage. There was a big bouquet of flowers on the edge of the stage, and in the background, we were playing a CD of old love songs that I had made for her a few months ago. I took her over to the stage, and we sat down on the steps. I told her that the flowers in the bouquet represented different things about her and our relationship that I really love. I then explained the meaning of each one. (She doesn't remember much of what I said.) Then I got down on one knee, pulled out the ring, and asked her to marry me. She was speechless, but she nodded her head and eventually said yes through some tears.

After a little while, one of our friends came in to ask if the swing dancers could have the sanctuary back, so we followed her into the coffee shop and were greeted with a round of applause. After we briefly exchanged hugs and handshakes, we went upstairs to talk and call our families. The best part is that no one is usually in the upstairs room except during meetings and services, but there was a girl studying up there. We were really loud and excited and clearly trying to share a personal moment, but she just wouldn't leave. Eventually, she got the picture or got annoyed and left us alone.

So basically that's how you propose to a feminist.

Welcome Friends, Family, and People with Too Much Free Time

Well, it is now official. I am engaged to a feminist. And yes, I proposed to her.

If you think that feminists are bra-burning, liberal, power-hungry man-haters, then let me be the first to introduce you to the 21st century. My fiancee has yet to burn a bra although I could see it happening in some sort of freak kitchen accident. She has also never professed to hate men, and I know for a fact that she is very much in love with one in particular because she hasn't stopped smiling for the last two days.

So if you are curious about what a gender-equal, eco-friendly, social-conscious, Christian wedding might look like, you have found your blog. If you just want to know what kind of china patterns we pick out, maybe I will have something to say about that too. Welcome to 21st century wedding planning.