How to Navigate Patriarchal Bureaucracy

So I haven't blogged in a really long time, but I thought I might update everyone on the name change in progress. We scored a major victory yesterday at the Social Security office. We managed to get my last name changed to our new hyphenated last name without having to show a court name change document or having to bribe any officials. While free married name changes are legal for both men and women in Texas, no one seems to be aware of this recent change in the law, so getting people to actually allow me to change my name has been a challenge. Here are a few of the highlights.

1.) People think I am crazy. They just cannot comprehend why I would want to hyphenate my last name. They (and by they I mean complete strangers, my students, and even close family members) assume that my wife is making me change my name. My only response to this line of thinking is, "What?!?!" See, when people make this assumption, what they are basically saying is that my marriage is not about equality, rather it is about me being enslaved to my wife. That is utterly ridiculous. If that were the case, wouldn't I just take her last name and drop mine completely? No one believes me when I tell them that I was the first one to suggest we both hyphenate our names. Either that or they think that my wife somehow used mind control to get me to bring it up.

2.) Most attempts at name changes have been easy. People at my job have made the change with no questions (some are even very supportive). The bank just needed a copy of the marriage certificate. The Green Mountain energy representative was utterly confused though. I must admit that I was quite surprised by that reaction. I assumed the people working for Green Mountain energy were a little more progressive than average (okay, I assumed many of them were hippies). I figured they would at least aware let alone hypothetically comfortable with the idea of a man hyphenating his name.

3.) The DPS was utterly uncooperative. The woman working there looked at me like I was insane for asking to change my name. She refused to cooperate. The highlight of that trip was when my wife told her, "That's discrimination." It is true. It is discriminatory to refuse a man the same right to change his name as his wife has. There is just something ironic about the fact that in this case, it was an African-American woman passing on this discrimination to a Caucasian middle class man. I should make the disclaimer that I do not blame her. She was rude, but she was just participating in bureaucracy, not designing it. I really just wanted to tell her, "The bureaucracy you are participating in right now is only reinforcing patriarchy by denying me the opportunity to change my name. As a woman, patriarchy probably hurts you more than it does me, but you are in the unique position of being able to do something about it, so join the revolution!" Alas, I did not say any of these things. Score one for patriarchy.

4.) Yesterday, however, my wife and I pulled out our hammers, on our mission to smash patriarchy. The official at the Social Security office at first did not want to grant our request. Her exact words to me were, "Sir, you don't have to change your name when you get married." I won't rant about how loaded that statement is because after some convincing, she decided to check on whether she could change it or not. That was all we really wanted because we knew if we could just get her to look it up that the law would be on our side. It was, my name is now officially hyphenated. Now I just have to get the other bureaucratic institutions to recognize my legally sanctioned rights - easy right?

How to Weather the Storm

Sigh. It has been a long week and a half for all Houstonians and others who suffered the wrath of Hurricane Ike. Really, really long...

It started for us with an evacuation to my parents house an hour north of the city. We packed for a few days, thinking we'd be home soon. Four of our friends came and we had a "hurricane party" that began with a movie marathon until we lost power, and then lots of board games and long walks.

By Sunday we realized it was going to be a while. My parents were fortunate to have their power restored, and most of their water, that afternoon. But we couldn't go back to our house, so we stayed put.

Tuesday we went back to our house and felt very emotional about it all. Some of our favorite places were severely damaged. The early curfew that took everyone off the streets at 6 pm made everything a little eerie. The long gas lines and grocery stores run off generators made for a lot of stress. So many trees were uprooted.

And of course there are so many good people, handing out water and ice and MREs and helping rebuild. I've never seen so many people at one time working in their yards.

Our house sustained minimal damage... Three outer windows were lifted off by the winds and shattered to the ground (thank God for double-paned windows), a leak in our kitchen ceiling, and some tree damage. Our back yard looks like a jungle now.

I headed to Ohio for a history conference on Wednesday and my husband went to his parents (where they had power). Ohio also suffered a lot of damage as a result of Ike. It's like it wouldn't end. Of course every time someone learned I was from Houston, they inquired about the state of things. I talked about Ike as much as I talked about my dissertation. I went to Ohio hoping when I returned Sunday things would be back to normal. But as the days wore on, I realized things would not be back to normal for a very, very long time. I got more and more emotional about it.

So now I'm home, sitting in my house which now has all the modern conveniences again, and things are far from normal. My husband is back at school but feeling disoriented, and I'm trying to work on my dissertation but distracted by the damage and trying to catch up on all the things we couldn't do the last 10 days. There is, in the city, a collective sense of struggle. We're all trying to be normal but literally taking it one day at a time. People who have nothing have even less now.

And now it's time to rebuild. Oh for the strength to help...

How to Change Your Name

We had a monumentally terrible experience at the DMV trying to change our driver's license, but my husband wants to rant about that. So here is a phone conversation I had today with a representative at Green Mountain Energy (an otherwise fabulous company that provides our pollution-free home energy):

ME: Hi, I'd like to change the last name on our account to our new married name.

GM: You want to change your last name?

ME: Yes, and my husband's.

GM: I can change your name.

ME: OK, but we need to change his name too.

GM: Um, let me put you on hold.

pause

GM: Let me ask you a question. Why would we change his name? You didn't take his last name when you got married?

ME: No (trying to stay calm), we both changed our names, so his name is different. He changed his name too.

GM: To what?

ME: (sigh) We both hyphenated.

GM: Oh. Well I don't think we can change his name. We can change your name. We can only change the names to a legally married name.

ME: Right. That's his legally married name.

GM: Maybe if you faxed your marriage license? I can't just add a name to his name.

ME: But it's his name...

GM: Maybe I can talk to my supervisor, do you want to hold?


Argggh. It's just a hyphen, people. Chill!

His Vows

I am writing these vows at the end of a really long and stressful week, after we have completed list after list of wedding tasks only to find more lists. What helps me most to get through all this craziness is to imagine myself saying these words to you on the best day of our lives, when all the anxiety takes a back seat to your radiant smile and your gleaming eyes. This is the moment that sometimes seemed like it would never come.


I promise to love you forever. I can't promise that it will always be easy or pretty, but I promise that it will be true. I promise to always try to be the husband you deserve, even when we are tired, stressed, angry, or just confused. I promise to hold you when you feel alone, fatigued, and overwhelmed. I promise to provide for you, that is to provide silence when you are still waking up, provide corny jokes when you really don't need them, and provide poorly executed massages when you ask for them. I promise to cherish your laughter and tears even when they come all at once. I promise to respect you even if I think you are wrong, unfair, or just plain crazy. I promise to respect you as my equal in Christ. I promise to trust you in all circumstances, especially when my instinct says I should run and hide. I promise to remember all these promises even after eleven o'clock at night when I have lost the ability to think rationally.


You are more than I dreamed of, and the longer I love you, the more I find to love. You are God's gift to a truly undeserving man, and with His help, I promise to love and honor you with all my heart and soul for the rest of our lives.

How to Boil Water

STEP ONE
Receive an awesome cookbook from your aunt.

STEP TWO
Choose recipes--Tuscan chicken stew, Eggplant parmesan, chocolate chip cookies

STEP THREE
Grocery shop

STEP FOUR
Cook... for a really freaking long time. (lesson learned... if the recipe says one hour, it will take at least 2)
Place what you think is a dutch oven on the stove over medium heat. Apparently though it's a casserole dish and will spontaneously combust in about 2 minutes... exploding and shattering all over the kitchen.
Skin the chicken, even though the recipe was really clear you should have bought skinless in the first place.
Cut up the eggplant. Realize you don't know what the inside of an eggplant it supposed to look like and yours might be bad. Look on wikipedia for a picture. Decide you're ok.
Pour in Italian seasoning on the "pour" side not the "sprinkle" side. Try to scrape as much out of the dish as possible, although what remains is roughly 4x what the recipe calls for.

STEP FIVE
Make a huge mess. Use a different dish for everything. Curse the day you rented an apartment without a dishwasher.

STEP SIX
Enjoy a lovely meal and the wine you didn't use in the recipe.

Vows (the Mrs.)

I respect you as my equal in Christ and I promise to love first God and then you.

You have set me free to be who I am. You love me with a phenomenal and unconditional love that is the most perfect picture of Christ’s love for which I could ask. You have far surpassed my expectations of a partner and you have opened up my heart in such beautiful ways. I love the light in your spirit, your kind heart, and your constant seeking of truth.

I pledge to make Christ the center of our life and to pursue His love and justice together with you. I will honor your dreams, nurture your gifts, and embrace your deepest parts. I will not abandon my individual calling in favor of yours, nor will I allow you to sacrifice your individual calling in favor of mine. Rather, I will live our life together as we are one, pursue our collective callings, and seek interdependence with you. I will always try to fully communicate my feelings, fears, desires, and hopes.

Falling in love with Christ prepared me to fall in love with you, and I know that His love will sustain us, guide us, and impassion us forever.

Wedding Ceremony Recap (by the Mrs.)

I am certainly not going to be able to do this justice! It was the most wonderful day. I know probably all couples say that but it was really fantastic. So intimate and celebratory and joyous and peaceful.

We chose not to see each other before the ceremony so the anticipation was pretty gigantic. I forgot that the bride doesn't get to participate in anything at the beginning, which was kind of a bummer, b/c we planned such cool stuff. Teitur and Snow Patrol on a string quartet, for one. But I treasure the time I had with my dad while we were waiting. The moment I saw my beloved it all felt real, like it was for us and about us and we were entering into something so sacred. He smiled at me so big when he saw me walk down the aisle and I couldn't help but cry. My mom stood up with my dad and I at the front and they gave their blessing, and I took his hand and held on for dear life. I lost it when our good friend read Walt Whitman as an invocational prayer.

Then it came to the vows. Our pastor reworked the traditional vows so they sound a little cooler, and speak of serving each other as Christ loves the Church, which is exactly how we both want to live. Then we read our personal vows to each other from a scroll hand calligraphied by my former roommmate. His were eloquent and sometimes humorous and again, made me cry. I said all the things I wanted to say and loved having everyone hear our vows, it crystallized them somehow.

We got to take communion together, which was very cool. It's meant a lot to us to take communion each week for the last 2 years, and our good friend served us, to remind us of our new covenant.

One of my favorite parts of the ceremony was the prayer/dance. Ok not a prayer dance like a rain dance. All of our attendants came on stage to circle around us and pray, while members of my former dance company danced a beautiful interpretation of the song "Divine Invitation" by Something Like Silas. It was a way to interpret the moment with music, words, movement, and prayer. Amazing.

We walked out to "We Are One Tonight" by Switchfoot, performed on strings, off through the crowd and into the bookstore (fitting, right?). We faced the congregation the whole time so we got to absorb the community of friends and family and support around us. And the pastor introduced us correctly!

Funny moments:

When it was time for me to say "I Do" for the traditional vows, I hadn't been paying attention because I was lost in Eric's eyes and my elation. I hesitated because I wasn't sure it was my turn!

When reciting Revelation 21, the reader said a "bridge" beautifully dressed for her husband instead of "bride." The Mr. kept calling me his "beautiful bridge".

On the way up to serve communion, our friend tripped up the stairs on the stage. My father-in-law thanked him for doing so, because that meant the two of us wouldn't trip (and we didn't).

Several of my relatives thought it was scandalous that I went barefoot for the ceremony. No comment on the dancing, lack of traditional music, the lack of unity in my attendants' dresses, or the fact that we both hyphenated our last name. Just my lack of shoes, go figure.

How to Get a Marriage License

I'm still not sure how I feel about all the legalities of marriage. I believe marriage is a spiritual covenant so it just feels kind of weird to have to sign papers and pay taxes and all that. However, I suppose there is something cool about being legally bound to each other.

We first attempted to get a marriage license a few weeks ago, by going to the Justice of the Peace. That was the wrong place to go but I didn't know that. We stood in line with juvenile delinquents and people paying traffic tickets. When we got to the window we announced we were getting married with a silly grin. She told us to go to the county clerk, the office of whom was of course closed that day.

So we tried again last week. We found the right office and it was open, no big deal. (Although there was a guy distributing literature that said "lower gas prices to Bush's IQ", which was very romantic.) The clerk said he knew my FH was not from Texas because he had such an accent. He has not lived outside of this state for about 25 years. The lack of an accent is not an accent, but East Texans have trouble with that concept sometimes.

Any way, everything went along fine until time to inscribe our name on the official document. Without even asking, the clerk put "Mr. and Mrs. husband's first husband's last". Ugh. I asked him why I didn't get a name. Then we explained that our name would be hyphenated. Thankfully we caught him before the process was finished. But c'mon, it's the freaking 21st century. Doesn't he think that perhaps at least someone wants to do things a little differently? Sigh.

Later that day we went to pick up a Bible that we had engraved. As a wedding gift our pre-marital counselor gave us a family Bible. The store clerk couldn't find it because he didn't understand our name. When he finally located it, he said "oh, right, that combined name one".

Just a small taste of life with a hyphenated name, I'm sure. It's going to be worth the trouble.

How to Party without Degrading Yourself and the Opposite Sex

So bachelor parties are known as celebrations of all the things that are apparently most sacred to single men, namely booze and naked women. It will come as know surprise that of course I think that is completely ridiculous, and I am baffled as to why men would want to be thought of as sexist drunk idiots. Since alcoholism and objectifying women has not been a part of my bachelorhood, I certainly didn't want to celebrate them at my bachelor party. Fortunately for me, my groomsmen were all more than happy to oblige. (I think many men would prefer not to participate in such behavior and would simply say so if they did not feel it would threaten their standing in our patriarchal culture.)

Instead of the typical bachelor party debauchery, we elected to spend the day on Lake Conroe. My brother borrowed his roommate's boat, and we tubed on the lake. One of my groomsmen attempted wakeboarding, but we had to call it quits shortly after because of a storm that was approaching. Said storm almost sunk our boat on the way in, mostly because the boat was a Sea-Doo, one of those vehicles that is more like a giant wave runner than a normal boat. Needless to say, it does not have the durability of a typical boat. Water started coming in over the side. It was up to the knees of the guys in the back. The cooler was even floating. Getting back to the landing area should have taken 5-10 minutes. It ended up taking us somewhere between 30 minutes to an hour. I can't say for sure because I lost track of time when we had to start bailing water out of the boat.

Despite almost sinking the boat, we had a really good time. Afterwards we went out to dinner, and then we called it a night. I woke up the next morning hang-over-free, having had a full night's sleep (which is completely sacred to me). I did have a bit of a sunburn though. Needless to say, it is totally possible for a group of guys to have a good time without degrading themselves or the opposite sex, and they can retain most of their brain cells at the same time. Who knew?

How to Have a Bachelorette and Bachelor Party

FH can tell you all about his bachelor party (you just need to ask him about nearly sinking a boat).

Tonight I had my bachelorette party for the girls in the wedding and girls in my small group. My sister, who is the greatest, planned everything and spent a LOT of time preparing. There was a 3 course meal, a gourmet cake (that she made), a murder mystery game, gift opening, and a rosary-making-blessing (all the guests put a bead on a string and passed it around the room, saying a blessing for us as they did). It was all pretty fantastic.

I can't believe it's only 2 weeks away! It may well be the longest 2 weeks of our lives...

How to Be ALMOST Married

FH keeps saying he's going to post, but as of late he has not, so I will share a few brief words.

Engagement highlights of our 40 days:

1) Romantic dinner at our favorite downtown restaurant. We had prepared to spend about $30 (total) and ended up forking over, well, a lot more. The specials sounded too good!

2) Un-level house, level-heads. Our big old house has shown us more of its, um, personality. Just about everything isn't level--the floor, the ceiling, the walls, the windows, etc. It made picture-hanging pretty interesting...

3) My first family camping trip with FH's family and friends. I know you might think camping in June in East Texas might not sound like the best of plans, but it was lots of fun.

4) Lots of unnecessary gifts. We know lots of people love us, but we are continually surprised by the lavish-ness of everyone's gifts of time and presents. Our upstairs neighbor the other day said, "you have ANOTHER box." Mailed gifts are the best, b/c you can organize them before the wedding and enjoy them as you open them.

5) Being crazy in love. We are just euphoric at the thought of being together forever. We get overwhelmed by all the many emotions and just stop to be thankful.

Sure, engagement comes with its share of frustrations, but for us it's been wonderful. C.S. Lewis said some of our greatest joy is in the longing, and I know what he means... How tremendous to look forward and long to be fully one! We are very, very blessed.

How to Count Down 40 Days

We're moving into the last 40 days of our engagement. FH noted that this is much like a Lenten season. Lent is observed in the 40 days leading to Easter, a time of reflection and reverence. You give something up and look forward to the celebration of Christ's resurrection.

So we're creating our own Lenten season to make it to our wedding. It feels like a holy time. We're only 40 days away from becoming one, from starting a life together in a brand new way. We won't be giving anything up (as we're abstaining from something pretty big already!), but we're going to focus on certain things. We'll make sure we have significant time of rest each day and time together. Basically we'll focus on taking care of ourselves and each other, and on the miracle God has created through Love.

As you journey with us in the last weeks of our engagement, you can join us in praying this beautiful prayer (from a Catholic parish in the UK):

LORD Jesus Christ, we give you thanks for the love we share, and for bringing us together.

TEACH us to prepare for our wedding by an increase of love towards each other, by an increase of generosity to others and by the prayers we make for a long and happy life together.

BLESS all those who are helping us to prepare for our wedding. Keep us good-humoured and joyful as the day draws near.

TEACH us to live as you did and to love Christ with great devotion all the days of our life together. Amen.

How to Clean 90 Year Old Dirt

As I've mentioned, the house we're renting was built in the 1920s. It is, of course, very old. A lot is original, like the molding, doors, jalousies, etc. Some is "newer" like the kitchen cabinets added in the 1950s, and the random wood paneling added on two walls circa 1960s. I'm going to guess this place has had like a million tenants.

Anyway, my parents came today to help us clean it up and get ready to move our stuff in. We had a plan to wipe down the cabinets, lay shelf paper, and hang curtains in a few hours. After some digging, we discovered that the cabinet makers were lazy and simply put up the cabinets over the original wallpaper. This was covered by project board cut in haphazard squares. We decided to pull off the paper--floral paper glued to burlap glued to the wood plank wall. There were plenty of roaches and dirt and grime. Several applications of cleaners later we were still wiping up dirt. We then decided to varnish all of the cabinets and that wooden wall to seal in the 90 year old dirt and hope for the best. It was an ordeal, we were there like 10 hours!

It's quite a first home for us, and at the risk of being too metaphorical, quite a parallel to our relationship. Some hidden, grimy things that with a lot of work became a beautiful piece of both of us. Awww...

How to Nest

Many pregnant women talk about the impulse to nest--you know, get a nursery ready, buy stuff for their new family, etc. I think perhaps some engaged couples have the same impulse, especially right before the wedding. My theory is that in general we feel so all over the place that it makes us feel better to buy or receive stuff that will go towards creating our first home. Or at least that's what I'm saying to make me feel better about how much fun we have accruing stuff.

My FH's former church in his hometown threw us a shower this weekend. It was overrun with very nice people I had never met, who all gave us lots of stuff. And we played the old standard game of making a wedding dress out of toilet paper, only this time the men were models.

I've also been thinking about how our pasts come in together. Obviously our current lives have meshed well, but we're still learning about each other before we met. This weekend was a good window into the history FH had before me. There's really a lot to this becoming one thing, and I quite like it.

How to Dazzle with Your First Dance

So in preparation for our first dance together at the reception, my FW and I have been taking dance classes. We spent 4 weeks in a beginner ballroom class and are now almost finished with our four week "Romantic Sway" class. We will be waltzing across the dance floor to plenty of oohs and aahs.

The ballroom class has prepared us for our future Dancing with the Stars appearances. You may think that we don't really have star power, but maybe you have never watched the show. Real stars don't have time to dance. I couldn't tell you who most of the people on the show are or why I should care about their dancing ability. Anyway, we learned the basic steps of the waltz, rumba, foxtrot, cha-cha, tango, and jitterbug in our ballroom class. The romantic sway class has been teaching us turns and dips and all sorts of impressive looking moves for our first dance. Get your cameras ready folks.

I never really pictured myself taking a dance class, but it has been enlightening. One thing I learned is that men apparently are unable to follow a simple two-step rhythm, at least that is what one of our instructors said. Maybe the Y chromosome has an anti-dance gene on it. That sounds scientific and easily provable. I happen to take pride in the fact that even though I am not totally graceful, I can always find the beat. I think it comes from all those years of marching band.

It has also been fun to hear what songs other people are using for their first dance. There are the predictable-in-a-make-me-want-to-vomit-sugary-sweet type songs like "God Blessed the Broken Road." (Is there an emoticon for gagging?) One of the songs is in a completely different language, sounds Japanese to me, pretty cool I might add although it does not have a regular beat. We will be dancing to Cole Porter's "Night and Day" as sung by the amazing Ella Fitzgerald. It is a little more upbeat, so it is really fun to dance to. Plus, it doesn't make me want to vomit.

On a related note, there will be no "Chicken Dance" at our reception. I know it is often the highlight of the night, so I thought I should warn you now lest you be disappointed later.

How to House Hunt

Currently, we live two blocks from each other in a very cool neighborhood with no zoning. Thus, we refer to it as the "all rent district"... government subsidized housing next to million dollar homes. It's quite unique. We wanted desperately to stay in said neighborhood when we moved into a new place.

We had certain criteria on top of location. We've given up driving whenever possible so our new home had to be in walking or biking distance of most everything. We were also looking for a yard for our dog (or at least a place that would accept dogs... that was tricky). We wanted a porch, a place to store our bikes, a washer/dryer, enough room for my at-home workspace, and oh, yeah, a low, low price.

We used a realtor and good ol' craigslist to come upon our awesome place. Ironically, it's around the corner from our church. It's the bottom floor (we have an upstairs neighbor) of a 1920s Victorian house and met every single requirement we had. No dishwasher, but since FH will be doing the dishes and he doesn't care about that, no worries.

I'm not really into urban renewal and gentrification. I understand tearing down beat up, abandoned houses that really can't be saved. But getting rid of perfectly quality houses just because they aren't new just makes me sad. My grandmother is the last original owner on her street, having lived in her house over 50 years. Two-story new construction houses are going up around her, and I want to stand in front of the wrecking-ball so her house won't go down.

Anyway, back to our house. Our upstairs neighbor has lived there a while and told us some of the history (I love history!). Apparently our neighborhood was the site of a very large state fair back in the day, and he assumes our house (which looks identical to many on the street from the same era) was a boarding house for folks who spent a few weeks at the fair. Given the extremely odd layout of the place, that makes sense. He's also convinced it might be haunted, but I don't believe in ghosts, so we're good.

It's so fun to imagine the stories of the lives of people who have lived in our place the past 80+ years. What a story to build on for our first home together.

How to Shower

So apparently when you get married, people give you a lot of parties. That's really fun!

Today was the first of "shower season," as I'm calling it. Our church hosted a couples' shower for us and it was a lot of people I love in one room. One of my bridesmaids took the day off work yesterday to prepare gourmet desserts, including drawing our monogram in icing on the cake. Her husband actually torched the creme brule right before the party started. Minus a slight malfunction of the chocolate fountain, it was all pretty perfect.

We played the "Newlywed Game" which tests trivia like the first movie you saw together, your first kiss, etc. We got most of them the same, even "what's the most embarrassing thing you've done in front of your fiance"... FH answered "nothing she's perfect" and I had said "nothing, I'm too cool." Then we played a really awkward game where I was blindfolded and had to feel the hands of 5 different guys to see if I would choose my G2B. Sadly, I chose my BSIL, thinking it was my FH. Talk about awkward...

Of course opening gifts was fun... FH didn't know about the tradition that for how many ribbons you break, you are going to have that many babies. Who makes up these rules? Most of the gifts were from our registry, with a few exceptions. One was a set of sheets from my FSIL who doesn't do registries, as she explained (fortunately she has great taste!), and another was vegan banana bread. We also got the exact same gift from two different people... the same cookie sheet and cook book. My parents started a tradition with my sister that she got 6 silk flowers 6 months before her wedding, then 5 flowers 5 months before, and so on. For me, my parents are giving me anniversary date ideas in the countdown to the wedding. This month it was a pasta pot and fancy pasta and sauce for us to make on our one month anniversary.

Really we're just very loved, and "showered" (sorry it was to easy) with affection and support.

How to be Stressed...ish

In my mom's experience as a wedding planner, the last 3 months before the wedding are the craziest. She warned me of this phenomenon, especially just after we were engaged and I thought planning our wedding was the greatest thing ever. It's still the greatest thing ever, but the life stress of all these changes is pretty intense.

Here's what we have going on:

1) FH graduates with his master's next week (hooray!).
2) I'm (sadly) leaving my job of 2 years in 2 weeks. My dissertation is not writing itself and I need to focus on it solely.
3) FH is looking for a job for next academic year and finishing his current job next week. Note that there will be a period of time when neither one of us has a job. Yikes.
4) We're looking for a place to live. Actually we found the perfect place, we're just waiting for final approval.
5) I'm moving in one month. Then I'm moving again in 2 months. And Eric's moving in 2 months. And finally after the wedding no one will move for a very long time.
6) Our small group is "multiplying". We are quite huge, so we are making more groups out of the large community group we have.
7) We are still, obviously, planning a wedding. Thankfully all the big stuff is done, it's just the little details and pulling everything together.

The funny thing is, I don't feel stressed most of the time b/c I'm so happy about my life. I do, however, have random breakdowns or get exhausted all of a sudden. Then I remember all that we have going on and remember that I'm stressed. :) But it's a good stress, a time of excitement and possibility and transformation that's weird and beautiful.

How to Shop for Rings... Again

So when I was shopping for my FW's engagement ring, I really wanted to find a conflict-free diamond. As important as our marriage is, I didn't want to fund any wars or genocides with my purchase. Fortunately, conflict-free diamonds have become "cool" now (I love that being socially and environmentally conscious is now popular. It makes me feel a little cooler and much more of a conformist than I would like to admit). Anyway, there are many jewelers that now offer quality conflict-free diamonds at very affordable prices.

Well, it is time for us to purchase wedding bands. Neither of us want anything fancy, and I was always under the impression that most wedding bands were pretty simple, that the only major choice was what kind of metal to get. I was very wrong about this. There are some pretty ornate designs for both men and women. Many of them also contain a variety of stones. Probably the most interesting type we have come across are wooden rings although Lord of the Ring replica rings are a close second (I wonder if you can get it engraved... One ring to rule them all...). I think it is great that there is truly something out there for everyone. The Internet really has just about anything you can imagine, and it connects us in such interesting ways.

Anyway, I am getting my FW's ring from a site called Brilliant Earth. They sell conflict-free jewelry, and most of it is made out of recycled metals as well (because green and peaceful makes it twice as cool). We have decided to engrave each others' rings, so now the only question is what I should put on hers. I have a pretty good idea what it will be, but I haven't had a new poll on here in a while, so I figured I would see which option you guys like best.

Here are the options:
A) One ring to rule them all.
B) I <3 U 4EVR
C) Property of (insert FW's name here)
D) You complete me.

(Disclaimer: None of these are really options I am considering in case you were concerned.)

How to Be Quotable

After reading this post on men taking their wife's name, the following conversation occurred:

FH: I think hyphenating our name is going to be a big pain.
FW: So is patriarchy.
FH: You're right, patriarchy is a much bigger pain!

If I were an illustrator, I'd make that into a comic strip...

How to Choose a Last Name (Part... I Lost Count)

So we are both still going to hyphenate our names, nothing different on that front... However, I have been learning just how inconvenient name changes really are. I realized that if I change my last name, I will have to notify my bank, insurance, credit cards, the DOT, and lots of other institutions. Women have been doing this for years without complaint, but since men are pretty new to the legal name change thing, I feel entitled to complain about it a little.

As troubling as patriarchy can be for women, it can also be annoying for men. For example, some states do not allow a man to change his name legally without going through the courts and paying outrageous legal fees. Furthermore, our culture is so incapable of wrapping its mind around the concept that men may want to change their names, that these institutions often have no idea how to deal with these changes when they happen (here's a hint: do whatever you do when women change their name). Hyphenated names are even more inconvenient. I don't remember there being a hyphen bubble to fill in on the last name slot on the SAT. If I were a conspiracy theorist... if I were MORE of a conspiracy theorist, I might think that this system is designed to prevent men from changing their names and to discourage hyphenating altogether. Unfortunately for them, I am just contrary enough for this to be an encouragement. Besides, I think the inability to deal with male name changes is more a result of sexist assumptions and incompetency than it is a mass conspiracy.

See, sexism can be inconvenient for men too. I leave you with some related questions I commonly mull over for no apparent reason:
1. Could I ever get paternity leave?
2. Will househusband ever be a respected role in our society?
3. My parents one time told me I was Venutian (part of a ridiculously cruel joke), but aren't men from Mars?
4. Is it possible for Christian speakers to talk about marriage without telling the same sexist jokes Cotton Mather probably told his congregation? Incidentally, the most recent offender is this knee-slapper: "When a woman says she has nothing to wear, she means she has nothing new to wear. When a man says he has nothing to wear, he means he has nothing clean to wear." Wasn't that hilarious? I mean seriously, he really got me there. I have never heard that one before.
5. Finally, is a man allowed to go to a "chick-flick" without a date?

How to Empower Women and Save the Earth

So we knew we wanted to use recycled paper for wedding invitations, but I had no idea we'd find something this cool. Thanks to a tip from the Offbeat Bride Tribe, I found WomanCraft.

"WomanCraft, Inc., the social enterprise of Deborah's Place, provides a supportive, authentic workplace where women can

* Earn income
* Engage in meaningful work
* Improve job skills
* Build a work history

Women who are current and former participants and tenants of Deborah's Place are employed as artisans, making handmade, recycled paper and unique jewelry items. Our social mission is achieved by operating a business; all proceeds help women work to create new beginnings." (www.womancraft.net)

It's pretty much the coolest thing ever. The paper is beautiful, and they work with any budget. My FH and I feel blessed to work with them.

BTW, my sister said they other day she felt ashamed for not having recycled wedding invitations. We're not about making people feel ashamed, we're about questioning the system and making changes in our lives where we personally feel we should. For us, the wedding was an important reflection of how we want to live our lives and participate in God's redemptive works. This is about our journey, and the questions. Thanks as always for reading!

How to Design a Monogram

Now that our last name choice is official, we wanted to get a monogram. This was no small feat, considering that most monograms are two small letters (representing the first names of the husband and wife) and one large one (representing the husband's, and now collective, last name). If we went that route we'd have four letters and that just seemed crowded. Then we thought about just a K and an H, but most places can't conceive of two letters, or want to make one a different size, or whatever. No pre-embroidered towels will work for us, that's for sure.


Thankfully, we have lots of talented friends, and one of them happens to be a designer. He did a beautiful job designing our equally-sized K and H. More than that, though, he put a lot of thought and love into it. The K, he says, reminds him of me because it looks like it's dancing. And he worked on the H so that it looks like the H is pulling the K toward it. That's appropriate b/c my FH had to patiently pursue me while I was dancing on my own... Now we're dancing together. So this design is perfect, lovingly conceived and perfect for us.

How to Cut Up a Dress

The dress was the first thing I bought (a mere 5 days after our official engagement). I was so excited about and went to a lot of different places, finally found it on the clearance rack at a snooty store in Plano.

For some reason, wedding dresses are always too long. It doesn't matter how tall you are, they always have to be hemmed. I'm not offbeat enough to wear a red dress or something totally unexpected, so mine needs some work to make it fit.

I went to a "highly recommended" seamstress who works in a fancy shop with chandeliers and nice seating. I tried on the dress and she suggested that she would have to take the dress apart (i.e. dissemble it) and put it back together. That sounded pretty extreme to me, so my mom and I asked a lot of questions. I made one suggestion, and she responded that if we did that it would flatten my chest, and she didn't want to make that worse. Obviously that was uncalled for, and I responded that I was confident in my bust size and didn't want to add a bunch of padding and artificial nonsense.

Finally, she declared that she didn't want to do the alterations on my dress. She promptly unzipped it so I could get out of it and leave her shop. She knew she could do a great job, she said, but there were too many questions about her work. I apologized if my questions were offensive, but I was merely trying to understand. Being an informed consumer is supposed to be a good thing. Oh, and she wanted to charge $700. She's delusional. I guess most of her customers throw down that much money without asking questions. Yikes.

So I went with a seamstress who works in a little shop who did the alterations for some friends of mine. She listened to my questions and answered them, and had some creative solutions for things the other seamstress didn't even consider. And she told me I looked great in the dress.

How to Be an Adult

So I am almost 27-years-old. In less than two months, I will have a master's degree (and hopefully a real job). In four months, I will be getting married. All these things sound like symptoms of adulthood, but I often don't feel like an adult. Don't get me wrong, I have been at this whole adult thing for a few years now, but it didn't feel adult. It's not that I am immature or live a wild lifestyle, I'm not really sure what it is.

A couple of months ago, some of my best friends decided they wanted to start a Finer Things Club (yes, it is a tribute to The Office). Basically, it's a monthly rotating dinner party. Last night, my FW and I hosted it at her house with three other couples (all married). Hosting a dinner party for three married couples--now that's adult. Granted, we did make pancakes which isn't extremely sophisticated. By the way, I had never actually made pancakes before, so what does that say about my culinary skills?

We had a really good time. Apparently being an adult can also be fun. Who would have thought? I guess I should try some other adult things to, as long as they don't include buying a house, settling down, or having a baby. My dog is enough responsibility for now.

The irony of all this is that I think I may have skipped adulthood and moved straight into senior citizenship. After all, I go to bed and wake up pretty early. I don't like loud noise and party-like atmospheres. I drive slowly. I eat lunch before noon, and I have been to a Bingo hall (more than once actually). I even sometimes dress like a grandpa. Just give me my AARP card already so I can eat the early-bird buffet at Golden Corral. Okay, I went too far with that last one. I will not be eating at Golden Corral anytime soon.

How to Slay Dragons

(By the FW)

Sometimes I forget that we're unconventional. It doesn't always feel like we're that different, but I guess we really are.

I picked up a book yesterday that is supposed to help you discover godly womanhood and discussed it with my G2B. I really liked a lot about the book, but so much of it was essentialist that it was hard for me to get past. Women want a man to speak for her, women want to be rescued (insert examples from movies here), little girls twirl in skirts waiting for their prince to come, etc. I'm pulling these things out of context, but the meaning is basically the same in the book. It's all meant to be honoring and empowering, but it's falling short for me.

Why would I want a man to speak for me? Support me, sure, but I want my own voice.

The author (a former feminist... how does that work?), recalls playing her favorite game of being rescued by a little boy masquerading as some alpha-male figure (knight, prince, etc.). I don't recall ever playing a game where I willingly played the damsel in distress. I was always the warrior princess.

I went through a phase as a little girl when I refused to wear anything but skirts (which was a problem given that I grew up in sub-zero Wyoming), and I did think about getting married and having a family. But I felt beautiful with or without a prince.

I'm so tired of being told I need rescue. Christ rescued me from death, that's all I need. I'm tired of my femininity being called into question because I've made non-traditional choices. I'm tired of struggling to embrace myself fully because I'm either too conservative or too liberal in my beliefs about gender according to someone else's (not God's) standards.

When we were dating, my FH and I had a conversation about mutuality and admitted to each other we didn't really know what it would look like in a relationship. So we've worked at it, and most importantly we've been who we are. My fiance is the strongest man I know. We embrace our gender differences and I honor his masculinity based on who God has made him, not books on being a man or the sexist assumptions our society carries. He honors my femininity the same way.

The point is we want to slay dragons together. God fights for us, anyway, protecting us with the Holy Spirit and lots of angels. But we're one, the two of us, and every battle is ours to fight together.

How to Choose a Last Name (Part 3)

So we have finally settled on a last name (at least it's final until we change our minds again). We both decided to use the hyphenated last name (hers first just because it sounds better). Out of all the possibilities, this was the least confusing (even though we know people will still be confused).

There are some disadvantages to having a hyphenated name. First, we know that most people will simply want to shorten it anyway because even in the 21st century, people still can't comprehend this. Oh well. Let them shorten it. Second, if our kids one day want to marry someone else with a hyphenated last name, then will they have four hyphenated last names? Again, we really don't care what they do? They can pick a name, keep all of them, or change their last names all together. It just doesn't matter to us. Third, people will automatically make assumptions about us based on the hyphenation in our names. Again, that's fine with me. It's better than what most people make assumptions based on, like appearance, accent, skin color. Ridiculous assumptions are like a trademark of humanity. We don't expect it to be any different for us.

I am really excited about this change. I know one of the common assumptions that I will get from people based on my hyphenated name is that I am not "wearing the pants in the relationship." Really this assumption is totally true (and I don't really understand the phrase to begin with because women have literally been wearing pants for years now). I don't "wear the pants" because my FW and I believe in equality and mutuality (picture us both wearing a giant set of pants with each of us in one leg if that helps). The reality is, we made this decision (like all of our major decisions) together.

It just made sense. We both talk a lot about equality, so we wanted a name that reflected that. Furthermore, I have personally felt the negative effects of sexist patriarchy, as has my FW. It is a repressive system for BOTH men and women. Why would I want to continue a tradition that reflects that tradition. I have no problem with other who take their spouse's last name. It just wouldn't be true to who I am, or who we are as a couple. This just fits us.

On a side note, our friend Lance says he is going to call us the "hyphens" now, at least until we sign the papers that make it totally official.

How to Eat

So neither my FH or I like to cook. I have a sort of super-human skill to avoid the grocery store and my kitchen stove for weeks at a time. We too quickly give in to the proposition of eating out when we start to look in the fridge for something edible. My mom is a wonderful cook and my sister has a side business making fancy desserts and wedding cakes. I never really cared to learn to cook, and my years on my own have not enticed me too either.

To combat this issue, we've decided to cook for each other once per month. That's right, so at least twice per month we cook. We should get a medal.

When we registered for kitchen stuff, we were overwhelmed with the sheer amount of gadgetry. I have to admit that we registered for a few things simply so my sister could use them when she comes over! We didn't know what half of it was. They are clever, though, the gods of marketing, when they make it sound like your life is impossible without their product. This allows me to make my own pasta in 3 minutes AND whole wheat waffles?? Gotta have it!

My reactions to culinary habits stem mostly from societal expectations for women to be domestic goddesses. (As I always said growing up, I'm domestically challenged) Few people emphasize the importance of cooking from the perspective of taking control of your eating habits, providing for yourself, and cooking as a communal, not solitary, activity. Those are all things I agree with and actually bring me some enjoyment.

Statistically, in dual income couples, the woman still does an overwhelming majority of the housework (including cooking). That's a pitfall we're trying to avoid by being intentional about how we provide meals for ourselves. Our combined schedule (and sanity) will still require some eating out, but hopefully planning and cooking together will encourage us to spend quality time and be healthy. Knowing that my H2B doesn't expect me to do all or even most of the cooking is a relief.


(Pics from Anne Taintor)

On another note, my brother-in-law has decided to refer to us as "The Hyphens" until we have decided 100% on a last name. :)

How To Register for Gifts

Admittedly, I love to shop. My FH well, doesn't. His idea of shopping includes a once per month visit to Target to buy a few things in every category so he doesn't have to go back. Granted, I know plenty of guys who quite enjoy shopping... my G2B just isn't one of them.

So when it came time to register for gifts, he got excited about it for two reasons. One, we're going through the I Do Foundation, a fantastic program. They partner with stores to give a percentage of your purchase to the charity of our choice. For example, if you buy us a $100 gift at Target, Target gives $5 to Living Waters International. They simply request that our guests go through their website so they can track purchases. The I Do Foundation also has a charity registry, so friends and family can donate directly to the charity. (Really, it's more important that kids have clean drinking water than we get that all important spoon rest.)

Second, my fiance was very excited about using the scanner gun. Of course, he had to erase things quite a bit because I often changed my mind when I saw something I liked better. It's been a little harder to be egalitarian when it comes to shopping... I think we're doing ok in considering one another's opinions and tastes, but there are some things that just matter to me more, and that's alright. We picked a blue and brown shower curtain, so he proceeded to choose a bunch of random blue and brown accents for the bathroom that didn't match at all. They were the wrong shade or texture or just didn't go. He said he's willing to admit that perhaps I have a little more expertise in this area. In no time, I'm sure he'll be a pro at the color wheel and home diy. More shopping will probably help...

How to Take Off the Sunglasses

So apparently I have been wearing blue sunglasses and a blue hearing aide my whole life. Thinking like this may seem silly, but in fact, it is often really harmful. When people start talking about the essentials of gender, they almost always start generalizing, and that means that some people are being left out, thinking, "What about me?"

I didn't grow up playing sports. I have never been hunting, and I don't like fishing. I don't objectify females. I'm not very handy and don't particularly care for yard work. I don't make much money or work in a prestigious job. All my life, these were the models of masculinity that were endorsed by our culture. While many men fit this mold, what happens to those who don't? What about women who want some of these things? They are often persuaded to get with the program or begin to believe that there is something wrong with them.

This is why my FW and I are so passionate about these gender issues. We have seen how hurtful they can be. In addition to those awful DVDs my FW mentioned, our pre-marital counselor also gave us a really interesting personality test that we found to be pretty accurate and helpful. What we found was that my personality is much more laid back and passive, but hers is much more direct and forward. In many ways, our personalities are a great complement for each other. However, according to gender stereotypes, our personalities should be reversed. According to the blue and pink sunglasses kind of thinking, I should be the typical aggressive male, and she should be the submissive female. Then instead of seeing a real strength in how we complement each other, we would both think that neither of us are fulfilling our "correct" gender roles. This is why we get so irritated by all this nonsense. This is why I want to hyphenate my name too.

I have nothing against people who fit these gender molds, or who choose more traditional marriage roles and practices. Obviously these things have been working for many people for a long time. We just know that many of them won't work for us. We know that people may take offense to some our decisions and think that we are criticizing them. That's not what it is about to us. It is about truly honoring each other for who we really are rather than demanding that each of us be someone else determined by our culture.

How to Wear Pink Sunglasses

(By the B2B)

We're all about marriage prep, so when someone suggests a book or lecture or something of that sort, we try to give it a shot. A dvd lecture series (which shall remain nameless) was recommended to us and we attempted to watch it today. We lasted almost 5 minutes. Here's why:

The speaker began with some jokes that weren't funny, and talked about women and men communicating in different ways. The part that finally killed us was when he suggested that men see the world through blue sunglasses and women see the world through pink sunglasses. He used the same logic for pink and blue hearing aids. In other words, b/c women are soooo female they can't see or hear in any other way, and the same for men. I wish I was making this up. It got worse, but I'll spare you.

Unfortunately, we've come across this line of thinking really often. Operating on really basic assumptions does two things... One, it makes you feel like there's something wrong with you if you don't fall into that stereotypical category. And two, it blocks you from engaging on any sort of deep level, b/c you're caught up in the essential notions are gender that are really just a construct any way. Of course there are differences between men and women. Some of those differences are biologically determined and some are not. But reducing gender to pink and blue is really hurtful.

In our opinion, we are all created in the image of God and we are more the same than we are different. We should appreciate one another in the fullness of our humanity and our gender, not begin with a "gender straight jacket" (as my FH would say). I give God more credit than men are from mars, women are from venus, or men are waffles and women are spaghetti, or whatever.

How to... CAKE!

So if there is one thing I have been looking forward to most in this wedding planning, it has been the cake tasting. My love for cake is hard to quantify, so I won't bother. When I first learned of cake tasting I suggested to a friend of mine that we pretend like we were planning a wedding just so we could go eat some free cake. I was only half joking. Now that my B2B and I have finally been to a tasting and chosen a cake, I can tell you that true cake love waits, but the wait is worth it.

I should start by telling you about our baker. He is awesome. I can't believe he is going to do this for us. He is from Nigeria and actually did the cake for a presidential inauguration there, and now he works for one of the nicest hotels in Houston. Despite such impressive credentials, he is genuinely one of the nicest, humblest people I have met. He told us yesterday that he was honored to do our wedding...the feeling is mutual. We have made a new friend in all this, so I couldn't be more excited about that.

I guess I could tell you exactly what the cake will be like, but I won't. Works of art are best appreciated in person, so you will have to wait until the reception. The tasting was everything I hoped it would be. He brought us five different samples that we had selected at our first meeting with him. It was a really difficult choice because each of them were amazing. I also learned what fondant is. Apparently, it is pretty rich, and many Americans don't like it. However, he is going to use a new type that was developed more for American tastes. It was really good. I have nothing to compare it to because I haven't tasted fondant before. So not only did the tasting satisfy my cake craving, it educated me. What a beautiful cake-filled world we live in.

How to be a "Mack-ademic"

So I can't take credit for the term "mack-ademic." Our friend Carrie coined it in reference to my FW and I. I can, however, explain the term and how it applies to us.

Both my FW and I are currently engrossed in the world of academia. My FW is working on her PhD dissertation, and I am finishing up my MA. It is likely that both of us will spend most of our careers in academia, and we may end up teaching at the same university at some point. Right now, we are colleagues, and although my FW is in a different department, her work in Women's Studies often overlaps with the English department because the director of the program is part of our department as well as are many other literature professors.

All this means that we often see each other at work/school (or make a point to see each other), and since we are both employed by the university, I suppose there are certain rules of decorum we should follow. For example, making out in the quad would not be a good idea, but going to lunch together isn't going to raise any eyebrows. This is probably no different from most workplace relationships, but academia is a strange world with its own "mack-ademic" wrinkles. The last name thing is definitely a part of this. It is quite common for married female professors to simply retain their last names (at least professionally). It is also common for academics (particularly feminists) to refer to their spouses as partners. Obviously, this term has some different implications in popular culture, but in "mack-ademia" it doesn't imply anything gender-specific, which is part of the reason it is used. (For the record, I don't think I will ever refer to my FW as my partner (or FP)).

This semester, I have two professors who happen to be married to each other. They each have different last names, so this is not readily apparent. They don't try to keep it hidden, but they don't advertise it either. It was fun the day the husband guest lectured in his wife's class though. I kept looking for signs of a deeper relationship, but they were nothing but professional. My FW has come to my classes to discuss the Women's studies program. I would like to think that we too behaved professionally, but one of my students later claimed that she could see through us.

Being a "mack-ademic" is not that hard. It just requires some restraint (more restraint than the undergrad couple in the elevator the other day that were all over each other and accidentally hit every button because of it). There is one downside to this though. Some of the most attractive things about my FW are her intelligence and her compassion. When she is at work, these two qualities are really displayed, so it can be particularly hard for me to maintain some sort of professional detachment.

How to Get Free Food

So it's been a while since I posted anything. I apologize for the delay. This semester I am trying to graduate, plan a wedding, restructure the course I teach, and find a job. Let's just say that I am still trying to figure out where to find time for anything else. I do have plenty of topics saved up to blog about though.

One of the advantages to being a hands-on FH is that I get to meet with caterers. This might not sound too exciting to most men, but that is only because they don't realize that tastings often accompany these meetings. Take my word all you Gs2B, if you only want to be a minimal part of the planning, don't skip out on anything food or cake related.

On Friday, my FW and I met with the caterer that we will probably end up using. It was at a chain Italian restaurant. We walked in just after the lunch rush and were treated to more food than we could possibly eat. We got bread, salad, three appetizers, a piece of veggie lasagna, and two pasta dishes. We ended up taking three boxes home. All of this was free. They REALLY want our business.

It was also really great food. We are well aware that when it is prepared in bulk and sitting in chafing dishes that the taste may be diminished, but for one glorious hour, we were treated to some awesome free food, and I still have lunch left for tomorrow. Even though we are really busy, and we are probably going to choose this caterer in the end, I think it would be worth it to schedule these tastings every Friday afternoon. I am a grad student after all. Free food is to grad students as pantsuits are to Hillary Clinton. (Sorry, I had to make a Super Tuesday joke there.)

Now if only figuring out where to have the rehearsal dinner was this fun.

How to Pick a Florist

Because my FH was working, I visited florists with some of my friends who will be in the wedding. We met with two different people, on the complete opposite ends of the spectrum.

The first was the owner of a flower shop that looked more like a steel warehouse. Our meeting was in a wooden covered room with a substantial liquor collection (which, by the way he didn't offer to share with us). The best way I can describe this guy is that he was totally overcompensating for being the male owner of a flower shop. His assistant was nick-named "Cowboy," and he met his wife because he did the flower for her first wedding (um, that's romantic?). He told us how he hunts in Africa, made $90,000 in December on just two parties (one of the parties had elephants and Maroon 5), and recently did the flowers for a playboy photo shoot. To his credit, he does amazing work... But I can put up with that kind of machismo for about 2 minutes.

The second was a part-time Baptist church secretary who does flowers on the weekends. She's a grandmother who told me she treats all brides as though they were her own family. She helped us brainstorm and fully be a part of the creative process. She was emotionally supportive, she didn't just offer a service.

Any guesses who we went with?

How To Choose a Last Name, Part Two

What's in a name?

Well, a whole lot.

One thing we have learned in the process of trying to choose a last name is that it is a very personal decision. People feel very strongly about it. So before I begin let me say that we respect everyone's last name decisions. It's a conscientious and deeply personal thing, we get that.

So we thought we had it figured out... my FH would take my last name as his second middle name and I would move my last name to my second middle name, and use it whenever convenient. Subconsciously I wasn't comfortable with that, as I started to say we were both taking two last names. My FH questioned me about it, and said he was glad, because making my original surname our middle name didn't seem "egalitarian enough". (Could he be cooler?)

We've narrowed it down to two options, with plenty of pros and cons and feelings for both, so tell us what you think:

1) We both have two last names... My last name [space] his last name. The order is simply because it sounds better.

2) We both have a hyphenated last name... My last name-his last name.

We think they will both probably confuse people, so we're just trying to decide what's best for us.

And another short rant about the name change process... it's really sexist. Some friends of ours couldn't change his name when they got married b/c it was free for the bride but cost like $500 for the groom. Thankfully, it's now free in Texas for both partners to change their name. However, exactly no wedding websites assume the groom will change his name, as all information is directed to the bride. It's ridiculous!

How to Plan a Wedding and Not Go Crazy

(by FW)

I'm a planner... I love to plan. I love to choose things and get organized and make things happen. And I've planned a lot of weddings, but never my own. Some how it' really different when it's yours.

Perhaps I'm a little over the top on this, but I seem to think that every single thing about our wedding is symbolic. I mean down to the flower in the hostess' corsage.

When we first got engaged (and even a little before), we did a lot of planning all at once, for like a month. Everyone was so impressed at how much we got done and it was terribly fun. Then we had an engagement party, and the holiday break, and promptly forgot we were planning a wedding (which was also awesome). So when we got to the six month mark we decided we should start planning again, and it's so fun. But it's a little more stressful now... it's more like a puzzle then an abstract painting.

In reality, a wedding is a celebration that lasts a few hours on one day. The marriage, or course, lasts forever. The relationship is what should be cultivated in the time leading up to the wedding, above all.

Fortunately, we both have Fridays off this semester so we can reserve one day a week to discuss wedding planning. That way the rest of our week is not consumed with questions like buttercream v. vanilla icing and we can focus on each other. My job is also conducive to getting some things done while at work.

So if no one seems to notice that really great idea I had for the guest book or why we have four kids in the ceremony, etc., it won't really matter. What matters is me and him and all that we're learning about each other through the planning process.

But we have some excellent ideas, so please point them out in detail after you have attending our wedding celebration. :)

How to Get the Best Counseling

So my FW and I are firm believers in the value of counseling (of all varieties). We had our first appointment with one of our two pre-marital counselors last week (yes you heard that right - we have two). We have already been meeting with the other one since before we were engaged.

You may be wondering why we might want to have two counselors. That is a good question, but rather than answer it directly I would like to go off on a tangent. Our counselors are an interesting mix. The one we met with this last week is a licensed Christian counselor. She is somewhat by the book but not so much that it bothers us. She is very big on books, research, and handouts. Our other counselor is very much out of the box. He is big on emotions and spirituality. We think it is awesome that they reverse the stereotype. It is actually really helpful for us. I told my FW if the female counselor was more about emotions and the male was more by the book, I would probably react more skeptically to both of them (yes I am aware of how sexist that sounds).

Anyway, I have a sort of amusing story from our session last week. Our counselor was explaining how men are "simple" and women are "complex" when it comes to relationships. Both my FW and I bristled at this statement. She went on to further clarify that men more often compartmentalize their emotions and relationships while women are usually more holistic in their approach to these things. I suppose that is a mostly fair assessment (is that qualified enough for you?). It somewhat applies to my B2B and I. My FW says she can be stuffing envelopes at work and be thinking about how it applies to our relationship. I can't say that my mind works exactly that way although I think about her incessantly. It is different. I think about her but not in connection to the trivial activities of my day unless there is an obvious connection.

All this is to say that it should be interesting for us to explore the differences between the sexes. We often see male and female as opposites, but the reality is that while there are some differences, men and women have much more in common (more than they do with anything else in the universe). We hold firmly to this while we explore what makes us different. Contrary to popular belief, men are NOT from Mars, and women are NOT from Venus and such thinking is ludicrous and often hurtful.

How to Get Lots of Junk Mail

(by FW)

Junk mail started in the U.S. thanks to the new advertising used to feed the consumer boom of the 1920's. The Roaring '20s can also be thanked for billboards and skywriting. That is just a needless historical fact.

If you're looking for a new way to fill up your recycling bin, just give your address to one magazine/vendor/website that has anything to do with weddings. I have received hotel ads, jewelry catalogs, "free" offers with absolutely no strings attached (they promise), bridal extravaganza announcements, etc. Each piece of junk mail is sure that their service is the only thing that can provide you with any sort of happiness on your wedding day.

And then there's the unsolicited phone calls. We want to give you a free gift. How about some free crystal or a weekend getaway? Totally free. You just have to come to a 6 hour demonstration of our china line. And buy $400 worth of silverware. Totally free gifts.

To discuss the consumerist nonsense that surrounds the wedding industry will require a separate blog post. But seriously, give my poor postal carrier a break. My mail box is really small and all those silly ads don't fit. Save a tree and just let me contact you if I get the sudden impulse to purchase a piece of jewelry that costs more than my car.

Rant complete.

How to Make Your Wedding Weight (Part 2)

So I thought I would give you guys a brief update on my progress towards my wedding weight. I haven't almost passed out since the first bike ride, so that looks like a good sign. In fact, I can now keep up with my FW (unless she is secretly taking it easy on me).

I am not a great dieter mostly because I never cook. However, I have been trying to avoid sugar and especially soft drinks. It is going pretty well. I am not completely cutting them out because I have tried before and failed, but the in moderation approach seems to be working fairly well. I also have actually been trying to eat out less, and so far so good, but school started today, so that might go out the window (I did bring my lunch today though).

The biking is going really well. I think it will stick because it is actually fun. I hate running and lifting weights and pretty much every exercise I have ever tried, but biking is fun because there is usually a destination. I know I could do the same with running or walking, but I hate running and walking is too slow. Plus, I do a lot of riding with my B2B, so that makes it even better.

Tonight I am starting Wholy Fit. It is a fitness class that my FW teaches that is kind of like a Christian alternative to yoga. I always thought yoga looked cool, so I am looking forward to this. Basically, this stuff better work, or I will be pretty hopeless. I don't think I have ever kept a resolution past January.

How to Integrate your Spiritual Lives

So figuring out how to integrate our spiritual lives has definitely been one of the hardest parts of our relationship. It just isn't something that I had given much thought before because I just assumed it would be a sort of natural process. The other problem is that spirituality is such a unique, intimate part of us. It is scary to share sometimes. Other times it is just difficult to articulate. Many of us tend to try and accommodate for this by making up a bunch of rules and formulas to follow, but this often imposes limits on God and leads us to frustration and despair.

Having grown up in conservative Christian backgrounds, I have been told and shown some strange things regarding spirituality in a relationship. I have been told repeatedly that the husband is the spiritual head of the family, but I honestly have no idea what this really means. I have seen it illustrated mostly as the man having some sort of ultimate authority over major family decisions while wives typically handle the minor stuff. This seems like a really poor model to me. It doesn't respect the spiritual lives of the wife and children, and it puts a ridiculous burden on the husband. I have even seen this extend into dating relationships where the boyfriend has some sort of authority over the girlfriend, which I find even more disturbing.

I don't really have any clear cut answers about how to integrate spiritual lives. I suppose it helps if you share most of the same core values, but I have seen some interdenominational and interfaith marriages that work better than many same-same (I credit my sister for the expression) marriages. I know that for my FW and me, the formulaic stuff has failed miserably. We tried scheduling time together for prayer, but I would forget and then feel guilty about it. We also tried reading through a chapter of the Bible every day and e-mailing our thoughts on it, but I didn't like this much either. What has been good is to just talk about our spiritual lives even (maybe especially) when things aren't going so well. It has made the times when we do pray together much more meaningful.

I wonder what other couples do about spiritual matters. Most people don't really talk about it, at least not beyond the formulaic stuff. I think it is such an important part of who we are, but it is often the part of us that we keep so hidden from others.

How to Build Two Careers

(by FW)

I'm at a big academic conference in D.C., and every time I tell someone about our plans for helping each other with career, they are very impressed. Of course I didn't tell them that our plans change a lot, but they don't need to know that.

I've always been career-oriented. I always wanted to be a teacher and formulated that into a pretty distinct plan to be a professor/researcher/activist by the time I was 15. My FH, on the other hand, has a science degree and is now pursuing a masters in liberal arts. He's still not exactly sure what he wants to do (which I think is kind of exciting).

Our current plan is for him to finish his masters degree, get a job, and pursue writing while I finish my dissertation. Then, I'll get a job (you know, the one of my dreams) in some killer location with lots of sun and in/near a cool city. Then he'll get his Ph.D. And somewhere in there we'll live abroad. And I'll dance in a music video for Justin Timberlake (half kidding). And he'll go to culinary school (or at least that's my plan, as neither one of us currently does any cooking, and I don't favor starvation).

In all seriousness, we're committed to doing what we can to help the other's dreams come to life. It so happens that many of our dreams are in our careers, as our chosen vocations are the best way we can affect change while using all our gifts and talents. Many of our dreams are collective, which is not only convenient, but really amazing. And we're both sure of the fact that we don't want to make work our whole life, that we are devoted to God and each other above all else.

Right now this means that we are going to tag-team on working and going to school, and we're going to live on one meager salary for a while. That is of course until my first book becomes a best seller, I win the Pulitzer, and choose to teach simply for the joy of it. And his master's essay on Jekyll and Hyde will reshape the whole field of literature, thereby guaranteeing our fortune, and we give all our money away and live in Hemingway's apartment in Paris.

Like I said, our plans change a lot.